Wei renmen fu wu: This week's Garden report - May 2010

This years Mayday parade was once again a huge bust. The plants just refuse to cooperate! Every year I get dressed up in my Dear Leader outfit, stand up on the edge of the deck and nothing, no parade! This year, no more mister nice-guy! Today I’m starting a major weeding campaign out there and there is likely to be considerable collateral damage. I don’t have to put up with this kinda disrespect!

A couple of Redtail Hawks have taken up residence in the neighborhood. The squirrel population has plummeted and the Chipmunks have totally disappeared. I think that yappy little toy poodle next door could be coming up on the menu soon. I hope so. So you can quit worrying about Chipmunks being shipped your way. It’s a huge relief to me because I suspect shipping Chipmunks to Afghanistan would have been incredibly expensive. I’m kinda hoping now that the squirrels are looking up watching for Hawks all the time, the dogs will be able to sneak up on them. I don’t think Stelladog gives a rat’s ass about Chipmunks or Squirrels, but I think it would help Hammerdogs self esteem big time if he could catch one. I think they tease him an awful lot out there.

My master plan of sealing off the perimeter of the yard with Hostas had a couple of major boosts this week. A census that was taken early this spring discovered some major featherbedding going on out there. There was a whole bunch of the filthy cowards were huddling under the Hawthorne tree avoiding border duty. They claimed they were needed to protect the Hawthorn tree from unspecified dangers. After a stern lecture I was able to dig up enough volunteers to finish the entire southern frontier and still maintain a reserve force for any emergencies that might arise. A second large bunch of volunteers came forth from Rebers yard across the street. There have been rumors of trouble brewing over there for quite a while. Word is he is some kind of religious nut. I don’t really care about religion in my yard. In my yard there is no rules about keeping the Sabbath. No mandatory Bible studies. No dietary laws. In my yard if you can catch it, you can eat it. Whatever the problem was they are welcome here. They were immediately pressed into service on the northern frontier. They seem content over there.

Disaster struck the garden last week when a series of mini-tornadoes ripped the roofs off the sparrow houses. It looks like a mini New Orleans out there. All those poor little sparrows perched on the wall where their roofs used to be. I immediately applied to F.E.M.A. for disaster relief but was refused! Those no good government bureaucrats insist there were no tornadoes in our area at the time in question. Luckily, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party people are coming to town next week, I’ll be joining them. I think it’s high time the government keeps its fingers out of my government handouts!!



Next weeks Garden Report:



Coaches faulted for Tickseed and Astilbe problems.

Video plant fights for those who miss dogfights.

Chipmunks are Terrorists- This Week's Garden Report, Apr 2010

The species cleansing of the garden seemed to be a success last fall. The chipmunk population appeared to have been completely relocated to Lippold Park. Now there have been new sightings. Worse yet they appear to have made an unholy alliance with the Creeping Charlie. Last fall Charlie was all but beat; I had successfully closed off the entire perimeter with various plantings and landscaping stones. Now Charlie is gone from all the edges of the yard but keeps popping up in the middle of the lawn. The only thing I can figure is the chipmunks are tunneling in and Charlie’s coming along for the ride. I don’t know what advantage either party gets from such a sinister scheme, I think it has become personal. To think all those years I cheered on Chip and Dale in their skirmishes with Donald Duck. Now I know Donald was right all along. You just can’t depend on cartoons to give you the whole story! Half my education, right out the window.

Last years program was to capture and then parole them with the understanding that they would stay in Lippold Park. They apparently are violating the agreement. It’s about two miles and a major five lane high way they have to cross but the little terrorists are making it back somehow. I feel I have only two choices, I can go over to Wal-mart and buy a BB gun or now that I have a connection in Afghanistan, I might start shipping them over there, I’d like to see them make it back from there! So be careful when opening your packages, they will probably be pretty hungry by the time they get to you. Turn them loose on the Taliban when you get them, they deserve each other.

Otherwise things are going very well in the garden. All the transplants of last summer came back. Some are a little banged up, they remind me of myself waking up with a hangover not knowing where the hell I am. Some seem to really like their new digs. The Azalea that was being tormented by the mutant Clematis is doing spectacular. It is blooming like it did when I first installed it 20 years ago. The mutant Clematis wasn’t too happy with the move, not having its usual victim to bully. I planted it amongst the Daisies. The Daisies are tough. If you ever need a flower to back you up in a fight, go with Daisies. They’re way tougher than they look.

I had a long talk with the Crabapple tree last fall. I let it be known I was not happy with its performance the last couple of years. Boy what a difference a year makes. There are flowers bursting out of every available twig and branch. There are even flowers coming straight out of the trunk. I also think it helped to move my workbench in the garage so the tree could see me sharpening my ax through the window.

Next week I’m trying a home brew lawn food. It involves beer so it just might work. Of course it might just give the Chipmunks another reason to hang around. I better give it some more thought.