Working the City Coffers- This Week's Garden Report: Late Apr 2003

The garden is going full blast now. Things are sprouting up everywhere. All
the Clematis survived and are climbing away. The Iris horde is lining up row
upon row and will be on the march shortly. The new Day Lily planter does seem
to keep Lightning, my dog, out, but he is doing his usual thorough job of trampling
the Day Lilies along the back fence.
Lightning has had a sleep over buddy this week, we're watching a neighbor's dog,
the miserable little fuzzball, whilst they are vacationing. The two of them
are having a blast out there. Lightning is teaching him the finer points of
flower trampling. He seems to a quick study, Apparently he is destined to
specialize in Tulips.
The city came by and planted a new Green Ash tree out front that we
requested last fall. Not bad it's about a $200 tree and we didn't have to pay
anything. Today however, in the Tribune they had a full page article about the latest invader from Asia, The Emerald Ash Borer Beetle. Just in the nick of
time. Lightning says he could pick 'em off if he had a BB gun, but I think
he's still got Squirrel on his mind.

Body Count Rising- This Week's Garden Report: Mid Apr 2003

The devastation caused by winter this year is becoming more and more
apparent. The body count is going up daily. Seven out of the twelve tall hedge
Buckthorn are out of action, the whole border with the Mexicans next door is
now wide open. Three more Forsythias woke up dead this spring, luckily the
Rita reserve (my neighbor's yard) is fully stocked with replacements. Two of the Holly bushes are
terribly wounded and not expected to pull thru.
The new River Birch and Bald Cypress picked up late last season look like
they will not be joining the team this spring after all. Even last seasons
rookie of the year, the Japanese Ferns are MIA. Oh! The humanity!!
Lightning, my dog, is in a total rage about the whole situation. Of course he blames
the squirrels. He claims they are now using weapons of mass destruction and
must be stopped at all costs. He wants to make preemptive strikes into
neighboring yards where the squirrels have their base camps. He wants to
start out by burning Rita's house to the ground because she is doing nothing
to stop the squirrels from using the power lines as a way to infiltrate into
our yard. He claims it's the only language the fuzzy tailed terrorists
understand. I think it's not only the squirrels though, I think he always has
had problems with Rita's little bitchy dog and wants to take care of two
nuisances at once. Even though I don't think he can or would act on this latest threat I am being cautious
about leaving matches laying around.
There is also good news in the garden. The Bleeding Heart appeared 3 days
ago and is already 12 inches tall, that plant is fantastic, once it gets
going you can almost watch it grow. It's liking one of those goofy nature
films they used to show you in grade school with the film sped up. The
tulips, Daffodil, Grape Hyacinth and Icicle Pansies are all doing well and
are on schedule. The Clematis' are all shooting up like there's no tomorrow
and I expect great thing from all of them this summer.
I took out the lawn mower and gave the lawn it's first cut of the year. I
love my new mower. I'm becoming a true suburbanite.

Casualty Report- This Weeks Garden Report: Early Apr 2003

The garden has reappeared as suddenly as it disappeared a couple of weeks
ago. Lightning, my dog, of course takes credit. He claims it was him cracking down on
the fury tailed terrorists that made them cough it up. I remain skeptical.
Nonetheless, the garden is back and the excitement is mounting. The snow
crocuses are putting in there best showing ever. They have spread to about
1/4 of the front lawn, they aren't thick yet but they're getting there. The
new Icicle Pansies recruited last fall are living up to their advertising.
The Tulips, Jonquils and Daffodils are sprouting and should be reporting in
any day now.
It's too early to assess the damage done over the winter. It looks pretty
grim. The heather doesn't appear to have made it and the Holly is showing
lots of damage but should survive. The Hardy Hibiscus apparently wasn't as
hardy as advertised. It looks like all the Mums are going to pull thru. The
new tree in front is budding in a big way and the new River Birch in back is
looking good. The new Bald Cypress remains bald and is causing me some worry,
I've never had one before so I don't know when it should be showing signs of
life. Luckily we had a good rain last night, a real gullywasher, just in time
to because the gully was really getting pretty dirty.
The birds are slowly filtering back to town. There were a few sparrows
checking out the bird houses but apparently the accommodations were not up to
their standards because the uppity little assholes just moved on. Some giant
crows stopped by for a while, these things were huge, like vultures, they
could have flown off with Lightning if they had a mind to.
I discovered a good way to clean up the Myrtle I use as ground cover, I
used a shop vac. Does a great job sucking out the old leaves and junk, It
doesn't break off many of the vines themselves and it kinda fluffs 'em up too.
Sad to say it's too cold to work outside this morning, we had some snow
last night, I guess all there is to do is take a nap.

Quick Put an APB out! This Week's Garden Report, Mar 2003

Things were starting to look up in the garden last week. True everything was
still dormant but the days were getting longer and warmer. The newspaper ads
inspired me to take my little fuzzy friend over to home depot look at bulbs
and tools and such. Lightning loves peeing all over the new lawn mowers. He
also wanted to look at new squirrel traps. He says he recently saw some
squirrels come out of hibernation and he thinks they're up to something big.
He is really paranoid about those damn squirrels.
Then disaster struck the garden. The garden is missing. It has been
totally disappeared. It's like god took a whiteout brush and wiped it off the
face of the earth.
I sent my best scout, Lightning, out to investigate. He returned worried
about what happened to his Frisbees. It's hard to get him to focus sometimes.
He insists the squirrels are behind it and the whole thing wouldn't have
happened if only I would have stopped being so cheap and bought him his
damned squirrel traps. He's always got an excuse! I think we're going to have
to get a new chief of security. He has slacked off before, but this takes the
cake!
I don't quite know what to do right now so I'll use my favorite strategy.
I'll sit down pop a few beers and give it some deep thought.

Little League: This Week's Garden Report, Houseplant Supplement, Feb 2003

Well the season in the little league started off good. The plants
began their life training with the Swedes in Ikea, and were raised
strong and sensible. Two fern-ish looking things for $4 and some more
expensive ($11) mini tree thing that looks like it is from an
impressionist Chinese painting. Well the cheap
plants have been prospering in whatever light I move them too. I think
they are simply re-potted Singaporean weeds. Although something seems
to be chewing on them, despite me not having bugs anywhere visible.; I
suspect 4th dimensional invisible bugs- maybe I should call Molder and
Scully. Still, much like the economies of their native homelands,
whatever gets chewed off grows back twice as fast, although a bit
cockeyed. As for the Chinese tree, it had a rough coupla days, mini
branches surrendering like the French army, but then I gave it a
little sun, in front of the big picture window and it switched to the
winning team right quick.

Well, sadly, that's the end of the garden report. As plants go,
well have to see if there are any more cheap potted weeds at Ikea next
trip. The trees out in front of my building are looking better
and better... if I get caught though, I think they might use the
branch to cane me.......

And so It Ends: This Week's Garden Report, Nov 2002

Things are starting to wind down in the garden. The Mums are putting on a
show that was hardly expected early in the season. The late spring freeze set
them way back at first but they really fought back with a vengeance.
The Iraqi squirrels seem to be in full retreat after their hideouts were cut
down. Lightning, my dog, takes credit but I think the squirrels knew we were on to
them and just moved their base of operations to Rita’s yard. We may have to
plan an invasion. Replacement trees have been installed to replace the recent
losses. Ma popped for a big Blaze Maple out front. I picked up a Bald Cypress
and a River Birch for out back.
The fall colors this year are spectacular. The burning bushes are just
blazing away. The red maple is ridiculously red. Even the Bald Cypress has
turned bright yellow. In fact trees throughout the neighborhood are doing it
right this year. Last year was a real bust; the trees just turned brown and
went dormant. Last fall was a bummer in a lot of ways.
The fall cleanup is going well, all the slacker annuals have been removed,
the whole bunch of ’em were a waste of money. The garden centers have been
scoured for deals and many new players have been recruited. Maybe next year I
won’t even need any annuals.
It’s gitten’ ta be time to pass out awards for this year. The comeback
player of the year has got to be the Purple Asters. I put them down into the
minors 2 years ago, last year I don’t even remember seeing them. They seem to
have been inspired by the Mums this year and are putting on quite a show out
there.
Most valuable Plant without a doubt is the Shasta daisy. It isn’t really
one daisy; there’s a couple hundred now, but they all came from one plant.
This plants ability to bloom just when you need flowers the most in mid to
late summer is a lifesaver. There are too many plants that bloom in spring or
fall but slack -off in the dog days of summer. When it’s hotter than hell
out, the mosquitoes are biting and everything else in the garden is wilting
and drying up, when you really need some eye candy, the Shasta come through
year after year. No maintenance, they just grow like weeds and bloom from
early August till late Sept. I have never paid this plant the respect it is
owed.
Rookie of the year goes to the Japanese ferns. Although the fern garden has
done well year in, year out there has not been much excitement in that corner
for awhile. The Japanese fern adds a little contrast and appears to be
getting along well with the other players
One last bit of good news is the birds are back. Things were looking real
good for the bird population in the garden at the start of the season. The
birdhouses were turning into bird factories. Some of them horny little devils
raised 2 or 3 families before the West Nile came around. By mid-July it was
like something out of a Rachael Carson book out there. The crows and jays
disappeared first, not long after all the sparrows, starlings, finches and
just about everything else were gone. I realize that they are just migrating
through now but maybe they will find the accommodations to their liking and
come back next spring.

Iraqi Squirrel Infiltration: This Week's Garden Report, Oct 2002

The garden was in turmoil all week after it was discovered that three
previously healthy forsythia bushes had suddenly died. Foul play is
suspected. Lightning, my dog, of course blames the squirrels. I suspect the Iraqis.
There is the possibility that we could both be right and we’re dealing with
Iraqi squirrels. Probably planted here by Saddam himself. My guess is at some
pre-set time they will chew through the electrical and phone lines running
through our back yard causing major problems in McHenry county's ability to
help your president if he should go to war with Iraq. They were probably
chewing through the forsythia just to keep their teeth in shape. I sent my
little fuzzy friend out to haul one in for questioning and he actually caught
one. Unfortunately he decided to rough up the suspect before bringing him in
and Velma (my aunt) hollered at him and he let the suspect go. I just now have started
wondering if maybe Velma might be in cahoots with the Iraqis? I’ll have
Lightning talk to her tomorrow.
Luckily, management was ready for just this sort of emergency. There were
three very good replacement forsythias, sitting in the Rita reserve (Rita is my neighbor), just
waiting for their chance to break into the lineup. They’ve been successfully
installed and next year no one will be able to see any difference. Saddam has
been foiled again.
In an attempt to deprive the Iraqi squirrels of cover, three major trees
have been cut down in the garden. The Rita Reserve, Wayne's (neighbor behind the house) World and Bill &
Harriet’s (neighbors two doors down) yard also had major de-forestation programs enacted. Now to get
around the little furry tailed terrorists have to expose themselves on the
ground. My little fuzzy security officer claims it’s only a matter of time
now before he has them all under control. I’ll believe it when I see it.