Saturday, May 29, 2010

Toad the Wet Sprocket: This Week's Garden Report, Late May 2010

The big news this week is the plague of toads. They showed up right after I installed the Hostas I got from Reber. They are everywhere! I hope this ain’t some kinda Biblical stuff going on. Typical, ya let in some religious refugees, ya try to be a nice guy and right away they want to convert you and all the other plants. I might have to take the lawn mower to ‘em!

The upside of the Toads is Hammerdog can catch them. It’s a hoot to watch. When they hop it catches his eye, he will dash over to where it landed and just stare until it moves again. He will stand there and stare at the lawn until he sees another one move or the first one is dumb enough to hop again. He has caught a couple of them. He doesn’t quite know what to do with them once he catches them. He doesn’t want to eat them but after he has caught them they ain’t worth much anymore. He’ll put them down and wait for them to start playing again but they never do. He doesn’t understand. However, he does insist on being called Toadslayer for now on. It hasn’t stopped the squirrels from teasing him.

Spring is a wonderful time in the garden. Spring makes gardening virtually idiot proof. The weather is nice and cool, no bugs yet, lotsa rain. All the plants still have a good attitude; they’re not all stressed out yet from heat, drought and bugs. They have nothing to fear but me and my lawnmower.

There are some candidates for plant of the year already. The daisies are blooming now and are putting on a show! They came in so thick and spread so much this year I was able to dig up some volunteers for Mr. Rebers church sale. They were already in full bloom and were big sellers. People like instant gratification. Their only drawback is they will be done blooming by the end of July and come time to vote they will have been forgotten about. Another early candidate is the Bleeding Heart . That plant comes to play every spring no matter what. I wish all my plants had that attitude.

The only candidate for rookie of the year already took puke. I picked up a Trumpet vine at Meier’s, it didn’t last a week. Oh well.

I tried my home brew lawn food out front it seems to work pretty well. It’s just a mixture of beer, ammonia, molasses, and dish soap and toad urine. I suppose it could just be placebo effect. I wonder if anyone has done a study on placebo effect in plants? I oughta check out if I could get a government grant to conduct a study on that. I could milk it for years!

Coming up in next weeks Garden report;

Midnight mining in Waynes yard

Are all Astilbes gay?

Sympathy for Richard Nixon

Monday, May 3, 2010

Wei renmen fu wu: This week's Garden report - May 2010

This years Mayday parade was once again a huge bust. The plants just refuse to cooperate! Every year I get dressed up in my Dear Leader outfit, stand up on the edge of the deck and nothing, no parade! This year, no more mister nice-guy! Today I’m starting a major weeding campaign out there and there is likely to be considerable collateral damage. I don’t have to put up with this kinda disrespect!

A couple of Redtail Hawks have taken up residence in the neighborhood. The squirrel population has plummeted and the Chipmunks have totally disappeared. I think that yappy little toy poodle next door could be coming up on the menu soon. I hope so. So you can quit worrying about Chipmunks being shipped your way. It’s a huge relief to me because I suspect shipping Chipmunks to Afghanistan would have been incredibly expensive. I’m kinda hoping now that the squirrels are looking up watching for Hawks all the time, the dogs will be able to sneak up on them. I don’t think Stelladog gives a rat’s ass about Chipmunks or Squirrels, but I think it would help Hammerdogs self esteem big time if he could catch one. I think they tease him an awful lot out there.

My master plan of sealing off the perimeter of the yard with Hostas had a couple of major boosts this week. A census that was taken early this spring discovered some major featherbedding going on out there. There was a whole bunch of the filthy cowards were huddling under the Hawthorne tree avoiding border duty. They claimed they were needed to protect the Hawthorn tree from unspecified dangers. After a stern lecture I was able to dig up enough volunteers to finish the entire southern frontier and still maintain a reserve force for any emergencies that might arise. A second large bunch of volunteers came forth from Rebers yard across the street. There have been rumors of trouble brewing over there for quite a while. Word is he is some kind of religious nut. I don’t really care about religion in my yard. In my yard there is no rules about keeping the Sabbath. No mandatory Bible studies. No dietary laws. In my yard if you can catch it, you can eat it. Whatever the problem was they are welcome here. They were immediately pressed into service on the northern frontier. They seem content over there.

Disaster struck the garden last week when a series of mini-tornadoes ripped the roofs off the sparrow houses. It looks like a mini New Orleans out there. All those poor little sparrows perched on the wall where their roofs used to be. I immediately applied to F.E.M.A. for disaster relief but was refused! Those no good government bureaucrats insist there were no tornadoes in our area at the time in question. Luckily, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party people are coming to town next week, I’ll be joining them. I think it’s high time the government keeps its fingers out of my government handouts!!

Next weeks Garden Report:

Coaches faulted for Tickseed and Astilbe problems.

Video plant fights for those who miss dogfights.