Miracle in the garden: This Week's Garden Report, Summer 2009

The Honey Locust tree that was cut down and ground out last fall has been sending up new shoots. I ran the lawn mower over ‘em as soon as I spotted ‘em. Within a week it grew back again! This time I went chemical on it. I figured good blast of Round-up ought to do the trick. I cut the tree down in the first place because there was an image of the Virgin Mary in the bark. I didn’t want anybody seeing it, as before you know I would have every religious crackpot in the state is trying to build a shrine out in the back yard. A Lazarus Locust!? Now the question is, do I ignore the obvious divine intervention and take the lawn mower to it again if it does grow back? Or let it grow? Maybe I should consult a priest. I wonder if they do garden consults?

The hammerdog experiment has only been partially successful. It would be a huge help if he lifted his leg to pee, but he just does a semi-squat . However he does prefer to go along the edge of the garden and straddle a bush or plant. The real benefit comes from Stelladog, being the manly dog that she is, feels it necessary to remark her territory everywhere Hammerdog pees, so she pees right on top of it. So she is not making new brown spots out in the middle of the lawn. Experiment successful?

Most of the re-locations over the past month have been successful. The Russian Sage and Winter Creeper were roughed up pretty bad in their transplant, but now seem to be recovering nicely. The infiltration of Charlie from the south has come to a complete stop. A couple more Hostas were rounded up and pressed into service along the southern frontier. I need only about 5 more yards of Hostas to close the remaining gaps. The dig-n-dash at the bank parking lot has bee ruled out. If I ever make a run at a bank, it ain’t going to be for flowers.

The shed relocation project has begun. The Bleeding Heart was transplanted along the western border next to its offspring. What a plant that has been! It has cuttings planted in over 4 states, in just about every neighbors yard and God knows where else. The way that thing takes to splitting and transplanting is amazing. I should have sent some of the shoots off to China, introduce some invasive species as payback for the Ashborer Beetle, and Asian Longhorn Beetle. That’ll learn ‘em!

The fern migration to Wayne’s world began years ago, most of the early migrants got the choice spots. Unfortunately, like a bunch of autoworkers at a GM plant, some of those ferns refused to see the inevitable. A forced migration is now underway. About 40 ferns were dug up and put in temporary storage in Wayne World. That guy now has probably the best fern garden in town and doesn’t even know it.

Lots of excitement in the garden in anticipation of this weekends annual Pansy Pride Parade. Big crowds are expected. Most of the other plants are putting on their finest. You should see the Clematis. What a display they’re puttin’ on. Speaking off Clematis, the mutant Kudzu/clematis had to be physically restrained this week. It was becoming a serious hazard to the Azalea and was starting to climb the birdbath. I found a bunch of feathers back there and I’m getting suspicious. Either that plant has gone carnivore or the neighbor’s cat got lucky. I think the cat is too stupid and fat, so I’m getting kinda worried. I spent a whole hour tying the damn plant to it’s trellis and I think it’s slipping loose again as I write! I better go check while there’s still daylight, I won’t be able to sleep otherwise.

Old Friends Abusing Good Graces: This Week's Garden Report, Mid-June 2009

The Sedum Society meeting scheduled for this week has been canceled! No reason need be given!

The Arborvitae felt the wrath of the lawnmower today. Actually, they didn’t feel anything because they were already dead. The whole bunch of the filthy cowards apparently committed mass suicide. They were on the north side of the house away from the rest of the garden, even still, they had a way sweeter deal than the rest of the garden. They got plant-feeding spikes and had their own irrigation set up. Winter was too tough on them or some such tripe. Waa, Waa!!! Plants were a lot tougher when I was a kid. While I was walking thru 3 feet of snow in 100 degree heat to school, up hill, both ways, the plants back at home would be growing all by themselves. No codling needed. They didn’t need any stinking plant food. They would have spit in your eye if you so much as tried to put some mulch around ‘em. Those were the day when men were men and plants were plants and proud of it! It was satisfying to me to feel their ungrateful little stalks being ground into sawdust.

There has been a new source of strife in the garden this spring. The mutant Clematis refuses to climb it’s trellis and is draping itself all over the Azalea. This presents a big problem for all the plants involved in the shed removal project. The mutant Clematis has a special place in my heart, one of the first installations of mine almost 20 years ago. It has proved to be one of the toughest plants out there. I’ve always suspected it being half Kudzu. The Azalea, also a long time winner in the garden, is relatively defenseless from such an assault. I suspect the plants have been talking amongst themselves and are jockeying for the best positions when the relocations start. It will take some genuine diplomacy to sort this problem out.

Hammerdog has been brought in in an attempt to teach Stella to lift her leg when she pees. It’s worth a try.

Saving Squash.....and meditations on being, potato-edition

So I like Squash. I never did when I was a kid, in part because I only was ever treated to the ethnic-family-boil-it-till-its-gooey-enough-to-be-soup-cause-soup-is-how-we-had-enough-to-get-to-this-country-and-you-are-so-ungrateful variety. It was only thanks to an otherwise charmless Australian boyfriend who introduced me to pumpkin as something other than a goofy once-a-year decoration filled with tasty seeds that I came to see this entire vegetable type as potentially appetizing. Add to that a few Chinese meals during which squash was a God-send amid plate after plate of things that were staring back, still flopping, or resembled the un-potato pieces of Mr. Potato Head, and squash became ok in my book

<< Linguistic aside: are Mr. Potato head feet actually potato, since they are by definition part of him, or does attaching them cause them to undergo some sort of transubstantiation by which they become 'potato' or are they just feet? British courts recently ruled, wisely that 'A Pringle is “made from potato flour in the sense that one cannot say that it is not made from potato flour"'..perhaps this applies in the abstract to representations of potato?>>

Anyway, now that I am safely back in the land of bread and cheese, squash has slowly but surely lost its appeal. However, I am a regular recipient of it in my boxes from Washington's Green Grocer, and have as of late had a harder and harder time not just letting it turn into a research project in the veggie drawer that conveniently takes out the potatoes and lettuce, of which I am equally enamored.

Last box, however, Washington's Green Grocer Came through- they published a post on facebook with a little recipe (they, and their followers, have been doing this more and more, its really a great use of the social media space for them). I tried it out today, and it was perfect. Nothing revelatory in the ingredients, nothing shocking or unexpected, but just the perfect balance of flavors, which I often seem to get not quite right, as I am distracted by the main affair (dessert) or the secondary affair (the main) and throw together vegetables as an afterthought. With a little thoughtfulness, this becomes a nice main course. Now I am not going to go all vegan or anything any time soon, but this was pretty good!

One note, use fresh cheese, and big lumps of Buffalo Mozzarella- it makes all the difference....

From Washington's Green Grocer, who adapted it from: Food to Live By: The Earthbound Farm Organic Cookbook (Earthbound Farm Organic Cookbk)

2-3 small zucchini, cut into 1/2 inch thick slices (if zucchini are large, cut in half or fourths lengthwise, then slice)
1 T olive oil
4-6 large garlic cloves, thinly sliced
pinch sea salt
2 T chopped flat parsley
2 T grated parmesan
1/4 cup grated mozzarella

With stove set to medium, heat the olive oil in a large frying pan with a lid. Add sliced garlic and saute about 1 minute, until you start to smell garlic. Add squash and stir to coat with oil, then cover and cook 4 minutes, stirring once or twice. After 4 minutes, check to see if there is a lot of liquid and whether squash is tender. Cook 1-2 more minutes, uncovered until zucchini is tender-crisp and liquid is evaporated.

Sprinkle squash with salt and chopped parsley and stir to wilt parsley. Add parmesan and stir until it melts, about 1 minute. Sprinkle mozzarella cheese over the squash, cover pan again and turn off the heat. Let sit 1-2 minutes until cheese is melted and serve hot.

Meditations on Trampling: This Week's Garden Report, Early June 2009

Significant progress has been achieved this week in the garden. Exiling the Gang of Four Burning Bushes was a stroke of genius, the treacherous bastards had more Creeping Charlie hiding out under them than I could have possibly imagined. A deal was struck with the new neighbors; they could have the bushes as long as they do not plant them close enough to each other that they could start a new conspiracy. Sod has been installed in that newly pacified corner of the yard. Hostas have been recruited to keep an eye on things along the fence. Peace reigns.

The Hostas repositioned along the southern frontier have taken to the task like a bunch of fat, drunken, middle age, Minutemen sitting along the Mexican border in lawn chairs. They seem to actually enjoy their new station in life. Their effectiveness is not yet up to their full potential yet because there are still gaps in the line. A recruiting campaign is in the works and walk-ons are welcome. Also my bank has the right kind of Hostas planted around their parking lot, a midnight dig-n-dash is being considered.

The Daylilies were trampled but not mowed to the ground. Lightnin never did learn how to work the lawnmower, he could never figure out how to hold down the dead man’s switch while he pulled the starter cord, so I’m not sure mowing them down after trampling is really what he would have wanted. I got to thinking about Lightning’s problem with daylilies. We never discussed why he took such joy in trampling them all the time. It’s funny how you can be so close to someone for so many years and never really know what’s going on in his head. We would sit around and talk for hours and never really say anything, down, sit, stay, speak, kill. The daylilies do make a neat crunchy-squishy feeling as you trample them. It might have just felt cool under his feet. Within a week the daylilies are coming back stronger than before. Maybe he knew some secret to growing daylilies that I didn’t. It's like those olive growers in Spain that go out and beat their olive trees with chains. It actually improves their growth.

A new bright spot in the future, Bill and Harriet are now to old and feeble to maintain their yard so they hired some landscapers to do it. The first thing they did was to douse it with weed and feed. That should slow down the infiltration of Charlie from that direction.

Next week the cowardly Arborvitae will be dealt with.

Blackout! This Week's Garden Report, Late Aug 2003

Due to labor strife a news blackout has been imposed on the garden.

Usurption and Team Dissent: This Week's Garden Report, Jul 2003

Well, the all-star break is over and there is much to be done in the
garden. The weeds, once again led by Creeping Charlie, are infiltrating the lawn.
I'm going to the hardware store to find some agent orange to get rid of it for
good this time. Charlie don't surf and never will.
I'm having some major problems on the field this summer. I have mentioned a
lack of discipline out there and it seems to be getting worse. The Mums are
starting to bloom almost a month early and the Shasta Daisies are pissed. There
are some hard feelings about playing time. I don't blame them, this has always
been their time of the year and they don't need to be upstaged by a bunch of
Mums who can't wait their turn. I've threatened the Mums with the weedwacker
but they know it's all bluff. I'm in a quandary, how do you discipline a plant?
Major work is being done in the Rita Reserve (my neighbor's yard). New bushes are being
installed and the weeds from Wayne's world (back neighbor's yard) are being forced into retreat. I've done
some big time deforestation in Wayne's yard under the cover of daylight. I'm
slowly taking over the neighborhood.

Round 2 Picks: This Week's Garden Report, Houseplant Supplement: July 2003

I recently moved back from Singapore to Texas, and picked up some plants my mother was caring for in my absence. Well after a year long stint with their mean old foster mom, they are back with me. However, they are not so thrilled. Like any good mom, I stuffed them in the back of the car with the windows shut in the ridiculously hot Texas sun for four days with no sun. The have told me that what really upset them was that they could just see us enjoying our water and light, but they were condemned to what is essentially plant hell, the back seat of a packed Saturn. there have been more than a few requests that if there is to be a repeat performance, I should buy an SUV with lots of space for them- makes more CO2 for their outside-dwelling family. In fact, that should be the car makers big campaign. Having a Canyonero or whatever is good for the environment, cause it puts more CO2 into the air for the plants to eat....
Anyway, they are settling into their new home with an understandable degree of hesitation. I think the big tall one may have ADD (doesn't everyone these days?). He keeps changing which way he is growing. Can't pay attention to any one light stream.
The little ones are stepping out, stretching their legs and seem more forgiving. Still giving me lip though.

The Consequences of Going AWOL: This Weeks Garden Report, Early July 2003

Before I embarked on my journey I left very clear instructions with my
little fuzzy friend Lightning how I wanted things to operate in my absence, but did he care?
Nobody listens, nobody cares!
I returned from my adventures in Texas to find the garden in turmoil.
Nothing had been watered, nothing had been weeded. The flowers are all blooming out
of turn. Yellow ones blooming right next to blue ones. Discipline has gone
right down the tubes. Lightning's excuse is that he was too busy keeping the
squirrels at bay to do even the lightest of weeding. He's always got a story!
Luckily, I have a few days off to catch up on things. The Lilies of all
varieties are in full bloom with the daylilies putting on the best show ever. All
the Clematis are in full bloom and a couple of 'em are a real spectacle. The
impatients are finally recovering from the hail storm and are lookin' good.
The new second shift, Night Litchness, seem to have run it's course and has
been signed up for next season. I'm going to start looking for other likely
candidates for the second shift.
Well, I gotta go and mow the lawn. I wanted to get up real early so I could
wake up the neighbors with my lawn mower, but I got up to late.

Labor Strife: This Week's Garden Report, Early Aug 2003

Nothing but problems in the garden this week. The weeds have made gains
everywhere and there appears to be no stopping them. The mums are not going to
wait their turn and are blooming now, almost a month ahead of schedule. Because
of the mums blooming early the Daisies are pitching a fit and not blooming at
all, they are about a week late now and don't look like they'll be producing
much action any time soon. The second shift, Evening Litchness, is refusing to
work nights and have taken to blooming during the days. Pretty damn cocky for a
walk on! The Mexican border (neighbor's yard) is in jeopardy with the death of another
forsythia. That's 5 this year, I smell a conspiracy. The last of the re-enforcements have been
brought up from the Rita reserve (other neighbor's yard). I hope its in time.
Luckily the Clematis are all having a banner season. Also the Coneflowers
have just started to bloom this is their rookie year and I am very impressed
with what I see so far.
That's about it from the garden for this week. Monday I'll start contract
talks with some of the disgruntled players and see if I can get things
straightened out.

Summer of Surprise: This Week's Garden Report, Sep 2002

Since this is the first garden report of the season, this weeks garden
report is actually this summer's garden report.
The season started out with a lot of promise. Coming off a fair season last
year, a lot of good players were already in position at the start of the
year. Last falls recruiting drive at the local garden centers picked up a lot
of promising new players at bargain prices. October is the time to go garden
shopping!
I started the season off with a surprise weeding that caught the whole
garden by off guard. One of the best weedings I've ever done. I haven't had
to do more than a little touch up here or there since. At the same time I got
rid of a lot of plants that just weren't pulling their weight out there. No
show you get the Hoe! Many plants were sent down to the minors (Rita's yard)
where I will give them time to develop.
A late freeze in May reeked havoc with the ferns. They were coming up better
than ever and the freeze stunted the shit out of 'em. It also sent me
scurrying over to Flowerwood for emergency replacement annuals.
There was some tragedy in the Garden this year. After several mediocre
seasons I threatened to send the Rhododendron down the minors If it had
another bad year. Well, it had a bad year and did not even wait for me to
take action, apparently it committed suicide. That plant did have some
spectacular years early on, but even in the best of times it's season was
over by mid June, just like the Cubs.
Last years Most Valuable Plant, the Mutant Clematis, did absolutely nothing
this year, a couple of blooms in July and that's it. That overfertalized
primadona better watch out because I've got my eye on some fall blooming
Clematis over at Flowerwood, It just might wake up in Rita's yard next
spring. That'll learn 'im.
The new bushes I picked up last fall have been doing good, except they seem
to be the favorite food of this years newest pest, Japanese beetles. Those
voracious little slant eyed devils let the bushes grow for a couple a weeks
and then stop by and chew the shit out of 'em. They've learned to do this on
a regular cycle. I think they're still pissed off about Hiroshima.
The Day Lilies and the Asian Lilies got together and bloomed at the same
time this year. They put on quiet a show but only for about a week. They
should have gone from mid June well into July. I suspect the bunch of
crybabies will use the drought as an excuse.
One of the highlights this year has been the Shasta daisies. Started
blooming in early August and are still going strong as I write. Definitely a
strong candidate for Most Valuable Plant this season. Another contender is
the Japanese ferns I picked up last fall. They look nice, grow like weeds and
were not damaged by the late May freeze we had. Definitely a candidate for
MVP or maybe rookie of the year.