Strike Busting: This Week's Garden Report, mid-July 2010

The blooming schedule is totally out of whack now. Even the Shasta daisies are budding and looking to bloom in a week or so. They shouldn’t be starting till late august. There is without a doubt a conspiracy afoot out there. I think it could be something as innocent as like in Cool Hand Luke, a great movie, when the whole chain gang speeds up and finishes shoveling the sand on the road in a couple of hours so they can goof off for the rest of the day. I think the plants may have gotten together and decided that they would all shoot their wad early and then take the rest of the summer off. I’m at a loss of what to do about it. I could put one or two of the plants in the Box, but not all of them, not all at once.

Another possibility is the plants might be secretly organizing a union out there. If that’s the case I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in management before. I’ve been a loyal union man since I was 10 yrs old and swore my allegiance to Boris Badenov and Local #12 of the Villains, Thieves and Scoundrels Union. I’ve participated in every boycott and job action I’ve ever run across. I still refuse to fly Eastern Airlines until they negotiate a contract with their gate workers. If the plants set up a picket line how can I but refuse to cross? How will I get in there to weed? How will I tell if what a plant picket line looks like? I actually think Lightning dog might have had an idea of what was going on for years. Every now and then he would go on a rampage through the daylilies. My own little, personal, union busting, Pinkertons Agent. God I miss him! I really should have listened to him more; he was way more tuned in on what was going on out there than I ever was. I suspect the daylilies are behind various nefarious schemes out there. If the Daylilies are behind all of it though, they have made a tactical error by blooming so early. They have shot their wad already, so this morning I cut ‘em all down. They aren’t going to get much of a following now. That plus the weather is starting to normalize a little now. The rains have been drying up and it won’t take long for the plants to remember who controls the garden hose.

The battle between the Daisies and the unidentified sedum is still raging. The mutant Kudzu/Clematis let go of it’s trellis and has joined the fray. I went in there to clean out the dead flower stalks from the Daisies last week and found a bunch of Tickseed somehow managed to creep into the fight. There were even some Mums under there. Mums are some of the most docile, laid back plant you can find, so they must be having fun back there. It’s turning into quite a melee. I really should be filming it.

Meantime the Tickseed and Creeping Sedum match-up seems to be drawing to a conclusion. I guess I’m going to have to call it a draw. The tickseed is just growing straight up now and the Creeping Sedum is just creeping around below. They seem to have settled their differences and decided to coexist in peace for a while.

The Bastille Day celebration has been canceled this year. Nobody cared.



Coming up in next weeks Garden Report:

Mosquitoes must die!!

Harbingers of Genocide: This week's Garden Report, July 4th 2010

This weeks fight match up was totally unexpected. The daisies and some type of Sedum I acquired somewhere have been living side by side since the garden reorganization last spring. Apparently the unidentified Sedum was just waiting for its chance. After the daises exhausted themselves on a fabulous blooming season and Hammerdogs constant snacking on them (he says they taste like toads, I’ll take his word for it), the unidentified Sedum smelled weakness and went on the attack. It’s been quite a brawl out there all week. The unidentified Sedum quickly gained the upper hand but my Daises are starting to show their stuff. Never bet against the Daisies!

Hammerdog's bragging about his prowess at hunting toads has got him in trouble. This week all the toads disappeared just as suddenly as they appeared. I suspect the mosquitoes carried them off. The squirrels, however are accusing Hammerdog of genocide. I think the squirrels are just using the situation as an excuse to get Hammerdog to back off chasing them. He is starting to get real close to catching them. Today whilst I was mowing the lawn I saw him sneak up on one. The squirrel didn’t see him coming till the last second and it was out in the open. It was quite a chase. I now know why they have that big bushy tail. It’s a pretty good adaptation. Hammerdog was within inches of catching this fuzzy tailed rat when the squirrel sticks its tail up in the air to get Hammerdog's attention, then flips its tail to the left while it breaks to the right, like a basketball player throwing a head fake. Hammerdog broke left and almost fell on his face while the squirrel got away. He missed him by a whisker. Then the little vermin just sits on the fence, just out of range and chattered at the dog. Hammerdog was going nuts. He just needs a little patience; it’s just a matter of time before he figures out how to catch them. It will save me the cost of a BB gun.

The dogs have been claiming they’ve seen some Chipmunks out there for a couple of weeks now. I’m beginning to think though that they are just trying to trick me into setting the live trap so I might catch a squirrel instead and save them the trouble. Stelladog always has been pretty lazy and now I think that Hammerdog is getting a little too comfortable around here too. He has been getting a little thick around the middle as of late. He really likes the AC. The squirrels are now beginning to refer to him as the big round hound. He doesn’t like it!

Lilly-fest is going strong as I write. It appears the Ditch lillies and Asiatic lillies collaborated this year to bloom at the same time. Usually the ditch lillies start after the Asiatic lillies finish their show, well into July. I like this new arrangement much better. It might leave a slight gap in the blooming schedule, but I think it is worth it.

Actually, I think all the plants are in cahoots this year, scheduling their blooming times. All the Hostas are showing off, almost a month early, but I think that’s just them bragging about beating up on Charlie. The Bee balm and Rose Mallow are in their full glory almost a month early. Almost everything is blooming at least 2 weeks earlier than normal. At first I thought it was because of all the rain and a hotter than normal spring, but now I’m suspecting there might be a conspiracy afoot. It is awful hard to stay pissed though when you look at the results. Next year however I will write out a blooming schedule first thing in spring and I’m going to enforce it! With my lawnmower!

I have some new heroes out in the garden this year. The Sparrows. They have for years been enjoying the free housing I have provided. The dogs have always provided security for them. The houses 3 each on 3 poles, 10 feet up attached to the fence in the middle of the yard. The squirrels don’t like being out in the open out there with Hammerdog and Stelladog on our side of the fence and Lucydog on the other side. Plus, from the air you have the Hawks checking out the situation, making the squirrels very nervous. These are probably some of the safest Sparrows around. It is a hoot to watch them. Sparrows are not monogamous! They are always raiding each other’s nest. They are making it with their neighbors partner as often as possible. Fighting, stealing food and nesting material, dog fur being a favorite. Ya gotta love ‘em. There is one male I saw today, he landed on the top house, serviced that female, jumped down and did the next and the next, then hopped over to the next pole and started all over. All within about 3 minutes! What a man!

The birdhouses are starting to fall apart though. They are starting to resemble a trailer park on a stick. I’m torn about what to do about it. I could easily replace them but the birds seem more active and happy the more their habitats deteriorate. I’m an avian slumlord.



Coming up in next weeks Garden Report:



Tickseed / Creeping Sedum match up; everything it was expected to be and more!



Mutant Kudzu/Clematis joins the Daisy / Unidentified sedum fray.



The delivery of Battlestar Galactica turns out to be an insidious blow to garden maintenance. Entire system nears collapse!

Garden Fight Club: This Week's Garden Report, June 2010

Hammerdog found out why that tree in the back of my yard is called a Hawthorn not just a Haw. He found a branch that got knocked down and figured he was going to have himself a nice little chew. I have never heard a dog let out a scream like he let loose! He even sent Stelladog off running and cowering. All the squirrels had a good laugh. I think they might have planted that branch just to be mean. I’m buying a BB gun.

I’ve started doing some midnight mining in Wayne’s yard. I’ve needed lotsa good topsoil for the improvements I’ve been making. Luckily, I can just dig it up from my neighbors yard. He’s got some good black dirt back there. All I got to do is throw the weeds back over the holes when I’m done and you can’t tell. Some of the holes are getting pretty deep. I think I might be able to start trapping some of those Jr. High kids that cut across our yards.

Daisy season is just about finished. What a show they put on this year! They are definitely leading in the Most Valuable Plant competition at this point. Plus Hammerdog has taken a liking to the Daisy flowers. He eats them like potato chips.

The Astilbes have made a remarkable comeback. They are in full bloom right now. Astilbes are cool if you look at them from the top. Ours are right below the porch so when you look down at them they look like little starbursts or what fireworks must look like from an airplane. I was happy with their comeback because it was my error that caused them so much grief. As coach of this garden team I’ve got to be more aware of which players are compatible. Tickseed and Astible should not be in the same lineup! When I tore the shed down I had a whole bunch of Tickseed I had to do something with. Well I figured it would fill in nicely around the bottoms of the Astible. What a mistake! I never knew Tickseed was such a vicious plant or that the Astilbes were so defenseless. As soon as planted the Tickseed went on the attack. They instantly wrapped around the Astilbe and started to choke ‘em. I intervened just in the nick of time. I put the Tickseed in with the Creeping Sedum. They don’t get along either but it’s a fairer fight. Creeping Sedum don’t take no shit from nobody.

There is an upside to the whole affair though. I ‘m going to look into filming plant fights. There must be some way of filming it then speeding it up. Plants are pretty mean to each other at times. The only thing holding me back is figuring out a way to get some suckers to place bets on the fights. There are so many cable channels now there must be one that would be willing to broadcast it. There has to be a demand for plant fights now that dog fighting and cock fighting are illegal just about everywhere.

I caught a bunch of Hostas hiding out behind the Forsythia bushes. I’m pretty sure they were trying to make their way to Canada. Their progress was slow but they were on their way no doubt! I took the lawn mower to ‘em. An example had to be made.

The borders of the garden are slowly coming under control. The southern frontier is in total lock down. The hostas I deployed seem to have complete control of the situation. Last month I got some weed and feed and accidentally sprayed about a10-15 ft. no weed zone into my northern neighbors yard. Looks pretty good. Waynes yard is slowly coming under control with a healthy application of Roundup and my midnight mining operation over there. I just might turn my mining operation into a moat. That could solve a couple of problems.

All my border security schemes are beginning to show results. My yard is remarkably weed free for this late into the season. The only hole in my defenses is Bill & Harriets yard. It is loaded with Creeping Charlie. Anything I do in my yard is futile until I can stop the infiltration of Charlie from their yard, I thought the old farts woulda dropped dead by now, but they keep hanging on and they keep a pretty close eye on me, for some reason they don’t seem to trust me. I have not had an opportunity to do any guerilla gardening over there. I can now begin understand how Nixon and Westmoreland musta felt like during the Vietnam War when they had to fight the war in South Vietnam and watch the bad guys just scamper over the Cambodian, Laotian and North Vietnamese border every time we got close to whippin’ ‘em. At least they had B-52’s. I wish I had a couple of B-52’s to play with. There’s a buncha problems I could solve, or vaporize with a couple a B-52’s.



Coming up in next weeks Garden Report:



Hammerdog accused of genocide.

Hawks gone missing, chipmunk sightings reported.

Lilly fest begins.

Toad the Wet Sprocket: This Week's Garden Report, Late May 2010

The big news this week is the plague of toads. They showed up right after I installed the Hostas I got from Reber. They are everywhere! I hope this ain’t some kinda Biblical stuff going on. Typical, ya let in some religious refugees, ya try to be a nice guy and right away they want to convert you and all the other plants. I might have to take the lawn mower to ‘em!

The upside of the Toads is Hammerdog can catch them. It’s a hoot to watch. When they hop it catches his eye, he will dash over to where it landed and just stare until it moves again. He will stand there and stare at the lawn until he sees another one move or the first one is dumb enough to hop again. He has caught a couple of them. He doesn’t quite know what to do with them once he catches them. He doesn’t want to eat them but after he has caught them they ain’t worth much anymore. He’ll put them down and wait for them to start playing again but they never do. He doesn’t understand. However, he does insist on being called Toadslayer for now on. It hasn’t stopped the squirrels from teasing him.

Spring is a wonderful time in the garden. Spring makes gardening virtually idiot proof. The weather is nice and cool, no bugs yet, lotsa rain. All the plants still have a good attitude; they’re not all stressed out yet from heat, drought and bugs. They have nothing to fear but me and my lawnmower.

There are some candidates for plant of the year already. The daisies are blooming now and are putting on a show! They came in so thick and spread so much this year I was able to dig up some volunteers for Mr. Rebers church sale. They were already in full bloom and were big sellers. People like instant gratification. Their only drawback is they will be done blooming by the end of July and come time to vote they will have been forgotten about. Another early candidate is the Bleeding Heart . That plant comes to play every spring no matter what. I wish all my plants had that attitude.

The only candidate for rookie of the year already took puke. I picked up a Trumpet vine at Meier’s, it didn’t last a week. Oh well.

I tried my home brew lawn food out front it seems to work pretty well. It’s just a mixture of beer, ammonia, molasses, and dish soap and toad urine. I suppose it could just be placebo effect. I wonder if anyone has done a study on placebo effect in plants? I oughta check out if I could get a government grant to conduct a study on that. I could milk it for years!





Coming up in next weeks Garden report;



Midnight mining in Waynes yard



Are all Astilbes gay?



Sympathy for Richard Nixon

Wei renmen fu wu: This week's Garden report - May 2010

This years Mayday parade was once again a huge bust. The plants just refuse to cooperate! Every year I get dressed up in my Dear Leader outfit, stand up on the edge of the deck and nothing, no parade! This year, no more mister nice-guy! Today I’m starting a major weeding campaign out there and there is likely to be considerable collateral damage. I don’t have to put up with this kinda disrespect!

A couple of Redtail Hawks have taken up residence in the neighborhood. The squirrel population has plummeted and the Chipmunks have totally disappeared. I think that yappy little toy poodle next door could be coming up on the menu soon. I hope so. So you can quit worrying about Chipmunks being shipped your way. It’s a huge relief to me because I suspect shipping Chipmunks to Afghanistan would have been incredibly expensive. I’m kinda hoping now that the squirrels are looking up watching for Hawks all the time, the dogs will be able to sneak up on them. I don’t think Stelladog gives a rat’s ass about Chipmunks or Squirrels, but I think it would help Hammerdogs self esteem big time if he could catch one. I think they tease him an awful lot out there.

My master plan of sealing off the perimeter of the yard with Hostas had a couple of major boosts this week. A census that was taken early this spring discovered some major featherbedding going on out there. There was a whole bunch of the filthy cowards were huddling under the Hawthorne tree avoiding border duty. They claimed they were needed to protect the Hawthorn tree from unspecified dangers. After a stern lecture I was able to dig up enough volunteers to finish the entire southern frontier and still maintain a reserve force for any emergencies that might arise. A second large bunch of volunteers came forth from Rebers yard across the street. There have been rumors of trouble brewing over there for quite a while. Word is he is some kind of religious nut. I don’t really care about religion in my yard. In my yard there is no rules about keeping the Sabbath. No mandatory Bible studies. No dietary laws. In my yard if you can catch it, you can eat it. Whatever the problem was they are welcome here. They were immediately pressed into service on the northern frontier. They seem content over there.

Disaster struck the garden last week when a series of mini-tornadoes ripped the roofs off the sparrow houses. It looks like a mini New Orleans out there. All those poor little sparrows perched on the wall where their roofs used to be. I immediately applied to F.E.M.A. for disaster relief but was refused! Those no good government bureaucrats insist there were no tornadoes in our area at the time in question. Luckily, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party people are coming to town next week, I’ll be joining them. I think it’s high time the government keeps its fingers out of my government handouts!!



Next weeks Garden Report:



Coaches faulted for Tickseed and Astilbe problems.

Video plant fights for those who miss dogfights.

Chipmunks are Terrorists- This Week's Garden Report, Apr 2010

The species cleansing of the garden seemed to be a success last fall. The chipmunk population appeared to have been completely relocated to Lippold Park. Now there have been new sightings. Worse yet they appear to have made an unholy alliance with the Creeping Charlie. Last fall Charlie was all but beat; I had successfully closed off the entire perimeter with various plantings and landscaping stones. Now Charlie is gone from all the edges of the yard but keeps popping up in the middle of the lawn. The only thing I can figure is the chipmunks are tunneling in and Charlie’s coming along for the ride. I don’t know what advantage either party gets from such a sinister scheme, I think it has become personal. To think all those years I cheered on Chip and Dale in their skirmishes with Donald Duck. Now I know Donald was right all along. You just can’t depend on cartoons to give you the whole story! Half my education, right out the window.

Last years program was to capture and then parole them with the understanding that they would stay in Lippold Park. They apparently are violating the agreement. It’s about two miles and a major five lane high way they have to cross but the little terrorists are making it back somehow. I feel I have only two choices, I can go over to Wal-mart and buy a BB gun or now that I have a connection in Afghanistan, I might start shipping them over there, I’d like to see them make it back from there! So be careful when opening your packages, they will probably be pretty hungry by the time they get to you. Turn them loose on the Taliban when you get them, they deserve each other.

Otherwise things are going very well in the garden. All the transplants of last summer came back. Some are a little banged up, they remind me of myself waking up with a hangover not knowing where the hell I am. Some seem to really like their new digs. The Azalea that was being tormented by the mutant Clematis is doing spectacular. It is blooming like it did when I first installed it 20 years ago. The mutant Clematis wasn’t too happy with the move, not having its usual victim to bully. I planted it amongst the Daisies. The Daisies are tough. If you ever need a flower to back you up in a fight, go with Daisies. They’re way tougher than they look.

I had a long talk with the Crabapple tree last fall. I let it be known I was not happy with its performance the last couple of years. Boy what a difference a year makes. There are flowers bursting out of every available twig and branch. There are even flowers coming straight out of the trunk. I also think it helped to move my workbench in the garage so the tree could see me sharpening my ax through the window.

Next week I’m trying a home brew lawn food. It involves beer so it just might work. Of course it might just give the Chipmunks another reason to hang around. I better give it some more thought.

Crocus Explosion: This Week's Garden Report- Mar 2010

The glaciers have finally receded and about 20 metric tons of dog shit has been removed. It’s time to start the spring campaign.

The spring started with a pleasant surprise when the Snow Crocus rose up in an overwhelming hoard and occupied the front lawn for about two weeks. I had given up on the Crocus a couple of years ago. Last year I even started using weed & feed on the front lawn again, figuring the Crocus idea was a bust. I think I must have just pissed the little devils off!

With any good news comes some bad. The gutters, on the north side of the house, were clogged with leaves. I cannot tolerate that! I do not want to be dragging out the extension ladder every time some stupid tree can’t refrain from littering. Sentence has been passed and the execution will be scheduled as soon as all appeals are heard and ignored. Texas style justice!

Getting a jump on the season I have transplanted the two white pines I had growing on the fence between the Mexican border and us. I planted them there two or three years ago just to see how fast they grow. They have passed the test and are now on the side of the house and I hope they will grow into a nice screen between us and or northern neighbors. I’m tired of lookin’ at ‘em.

The annual campaign against creeping Charlie has started. Just today I went chemical on ‘em. This year I’ve developed my own brew. I hope the early start has Charlie on the run before it has a chance to get a foothold. Charlie must die!!

The squirrels have built a nest in the Hawthorn tree in the middle of the back yard. These squirrels are either very stupid or they have no respect for our dogs. I know if Lightning dog was still around, the fuzzy tailed rats would show a little more respect. I am afraid though that they are right in thinking that neither dog is clever enough to catch them.

This Week's Garden Report- February 2010

Well it’s groundhog day. This being a low budget operation, we don’t have a groundhog. We do however have a ceramic garden turtle that just melted out of a snow bank. All he saw though the melting snow was the devastation caused by a high yield nuclear dogshit bomb that was exploded over the winter. I might have to move.
There is still a foot of snow on the ground so it’s hard to get a reading on the condition of the garden. The fences that were put up to keep the dog out of the bushes proved ineffective. When the snow got 3 feet deep she just walked right over them, dug down to the dirt and started excavating the frozen ground. I don’t know why she is expending all this effort. I think she just wants to secure a ready supply of mud to track into the house as soon as the thaw comes.
Well I couldn’t think of much else to expound upon. This isn’t exactly the busy season in the garden. I went to bed last night figuring that some great thoughts might come to me in my sleep, no such luck. However it did snow about 3 more inches and that takes care of the dogshit problem for a while. Winter sucks, but if you think about it, winter is like Gods gift to procrastinators. You always have an excuse to put stuff off. Too much snow, to cold, too much dogshit. You can always find an excuse in winter.
I’m going back to bed to enjoy the season.

Miracle in the garden: This Week's Garden Report, Summer 2009

The Honey Locust tree that was cut down and ground out last fall has been sending up new shoots. I ran the lawn mower over ‘em as soon as I spotted ‘em. Within a week it grew back again! This time I went chemical on it. I figured good blast of Round-up ought to do the trick. I cut the tree down in the first place because there was an image of the Virgin Mary in the bark. I didn’t want anybody seeing it, as before you know I would have every religious crackpot in the state is trying to build a shrine out in the back yard. A Lazarus Locust!? Now the question is, do I ignore the obvious divine intervention and take the lawn mower to it again if it does grow back? Or let it grow? Maybe I should consult a priest. I wonder if they do garden consults?

The hammerdog experiment has only been partially successful. It would be a huge help if he lifted his leg to pee, but he just does a semi-squat . However he does prefer to go along the edge of the garden and straddle a bush or plant. The real benefit comes from Stelladog, being the manly dog that she is, feels it necessary to remark her territory everywhere Hammerdog pees, so she pees right on top of it. So she is not making new brown spots out in the middle of the lawn. Experiment successful?

Most of the re-locations over the past month have been successful. The Russian Sage and Winter Creeper were roughed up pretty bad in their transplant, but now seem to be recovering nicely. The infiltration of Charlie from the south has come to a complete stop. A couple more Hostas were rounded up and pressed into service along the southern frontier. I need only about 5 more yards of Hostas to close the remaining gaps. The dig-n-dash at the bank parking lot has bee ruled out. If I ever make a run at a bank, it ain’t going to be for flowers.

The shed relocation project has begun. The Bleeding Heart was transplanted along the western border next to its offspring. What a plant that has been! It has cuttings planted in over 4 states, in just about every neighbors yard and God knows where else. The way that thing takes to splitting and transplanting is amazing. I should have sent some of the shoots off to China, introduce some invasive species as payback for the Ashborer Beetle, and Asian Longhorn Beetle. That’ll learn ‘em!

The fern migration to Wayne’s world began years ago, most of the early migrants got the choice spots. Unfortunately, like a bunch of autoworkers at a GM plant, some of those ferns refused to see the inevitable. A forced migration is now underway. About 40 ferns were dug up and put in temporary storage in Wayne World. That guy now has probably the best fern garden in town and doesn’t even know it.

Lots of excitement in the garden in anticipation of this weekends annual Pansy Pride Parade. Big crowds are expected. Most of the other plants are putting on their finest. You should see the Clematis. What a display they’re puttin’ on. Speaking off Clematis, the mutant Kudzu/clematis had to be physically restrained this week. It was becoming a serious hazard to the Azalea and was starting to climb the birdbath. I found a bunch of feathers back there and I’m getting suspicious. Either that plant has gone carnivore or the neighbor’s cat got lucky. I think the cat is too stupid and fat, so I’m getting kinda worried. I spent a whole hour tying the damn plant to it’s trellis and I think it’s slipping loose again as I write! I better go check while there’s still daylight, I won’t be able to sleep otherwise.

Old Friends Abusing Good Graces: This Week's Garden Report, Mid-June 2009

The Sedum Society meeting scheduled for this week has been canceled! No reason need be given!

The Arborvitae felt the wrath of the lawnmower today. Actually, they didn’t feel anything because they were already dead. The whole bunch of the filthy cowards apparently committed mass suicide. They were on the north side of the house away from the rest of the garden, even still, they had a way sweeter deal than the rest of the garden. They got plant-feeding spikes and had their own irrigation set up. Winter was too tough on them or some such tripe. Waa, Waa!!! Plants were a lot tougher when I was a kid. While I was walking thru 3 feet of snow in 100 degree heat to school, up hill, both ways, the plants back at home would be growing all by themselves. No codling needed. They didn’t need any stinking plant food. They would have spit in your eye if you so much as tried to put some mulch around ‘em. Those were the day when men were men and plants were plants and proud of it! It was satisfying to me to feel their ungrateful little stalks being ground into sawdust.

There has been a new source of strife in the garden this spring. The mutant Clematis refuses to climb it’s trellis and is draping itself all over the Azalea. This presents a big problem for all the plants involved in the shed removal project. The mutant Clematis has a special place in my heart, one of the first installations of mine almost 20 years ago. It has proved to be one of the toughest plants out there. I’ve always suspected it being half Kudzu. The Azalea, also a long time winner in the garden, is relatively defenseless from such an assault. I suspect the plants have been talking amongst themselves and are jockeying for the best positions when the relocations start. It will take some genuine diplomacy to sort this problem out.

Hammerdog has been brought in in an attempt to teach Stella to lift her leg when she pees. It’s worth a try.

Meditations on Trampling: This Week's Garden Report, Early June 2009

Significant progress has been achieved this week in the garden. Exiling the Gang of Four Burning Bushes was a stroke of genius, the treacherous bastards had more Creeping Charlie hiding out under them than I could have possibly imagined. A deal was struck with the new neighbors; they could have the bushes as long as they do not plant them close enough to each other that they could start a new conspiracy. Sod has been installed in that newly pacified corner of the yard. Hostas have been recruited to keep an eye on things along the fence. Peace reigns.

The Hostas repositioned along the southern frontier have taken to the task like a bunch of fat, drunken, middle age, Minutemen sitting along the Mexican border in lawn chairs. They seem to actually enjoy their new station in life. Their effectiveness is not yet up to their full potential yet because there are still gaps in the line. A recruiting campaign is in the works and walk-ons are welcome. Also my bank has the right kind of Hostas planted around their parking lot, a midnight dig-n-dash is being considered.

The Daylilies were trampled but not mowed to the ground. Lightnin never did learn how to work the lawnmower, he could never figure out how to hold down the dead man’s switch while he pulled the starter cord, so I’m not sure mowing them down after trampling is really what he would have wanted. I got to thinking about Lightning’s problem with daylilies. We never discussed why he took such joy in trampling them all the time. It’s funny how you can be so close to someone for so many years and never really know what’s going on in his head. We would sit around and talk for hours and never really say anything, down, sit, stay, speak, kill. The daylilies do make a neat crunchy-squishy feeling as you trample them. It might have just felt cool under his feet. Within a week the daylilies are coming back stronger than before. Maybe he knew some secret to growing daylilies that I didn’t. It's like those olive growers in Spain that go out and beat their olive trees with chains. It actually improves their growth.

A new bright spot in the future, Bill and Harriet are now to old and feeble to maintain their yard so they hired some landscapers to do it. The first thing they did was to douse it with weed and feed. That should slow down the infiltration of Charlie from that direction.

Next week the cowardly Arborvitae will be dealt with.

Resurrection! This Week's Garden Report, May 2009

Years ago, when I was living abroad, my dad sent me a weekly garden report detailing events back home in Chicago, to help me stay connected. They were hilarious. At my prompting, he has restarted this tradition, and I will be publishing them here. Look for archived posts soon!

This Weeks Garden Report.

The garden has been in a terrible state of neglect for well over a year now. I have always suspected that the garden was incapable of self-governance and I have been proven correct. The various factions are fighting amongst themselves while the weeds are multiplying from within and infiltrating from the perimeters. The situation demands a strong leader. Because of the chaos out there I have decided to once again come to the rescue. Memorial Day weekend will see the change of a lot of policies out there.
First off, in memory of the passing of my little fuzzy friend, Lightning, all Day Lilies will be trampled and mowed to the ground. He had a special love of trampling Day Lilies and I feel he would wholeheartedly approve of this action.
The lawn is in a terrible state, although a big part of the problem is a female dog. Male dogs at least have the manners to go pee in a corner, they don't feel the need to pee in the middle of the lawn and create dead spots. I know she does this on purpose, just to piss me off! Another problem with the lawn has been the execution of the Honey-locust tree. It left a huge scar on the lawn and the chips from the stump grinding seem to be everywhere. This action was taken because that overgrown primadonna could not take instruction and grow right. The uncooperative attitude of that stupid tree was endangering the house. I had a long talk with it but it still refused to cooperate, so now it is part of someone’s firewood pile. Harsh, maybe but an example had to be set! All that aside, a reseeding program has been initiated. With the help of some timely rain, obscene and probably illegal, amounts of chemicals, recovery is expected.
As always, Creeping Charlie is a problem. Charlie seems to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Although it has been eliminated from the lawn for the most part, it still creeps in from the perimeter. In an effort to control this problem, several radical measures are being taken. First, all Hostas are being shifted to the southern frontier. They will be planted along the fence line. This should help control that border once the present infiltration of Charlie is dealt with. It will also cut down on the amount of weedwacking, a huge side benefit since I’m too cheap to replace my broken weedwacker. Also along this border the Burning Bushes have been caught hiding the creeping Charlie, in retaliation the Burning Bushes will be sent into exile to the yard next door. They brought in on themselves!
On the northern frontier the two scraggly Pines are to be transplanted to the side of the house. Looking thru my neighbors windows no longer holds any fascination for me so I’m blotti’n ‘em out. On hold for now, but a possibility before the end of the year, is the elimination of the Forsythia bushes. No fault of their own, but the dog has taken a likin’ to digging under them. She gets all muddy, tracks it inside and somehow it is my fault. It’s a shame, they have been troopers since planted almost 20 years ago, but some sacrifices must be made.
Along the western frontier, good progress has been made in the civilizing of Wayne’s world (yard). My guerrilla gardening efforts are paying off. Ferns have replaced most of the weeds from his edge. That campaign should be over by the end of this growing season. The other edge of the western border is totally out of control. Charlie is doing a re-enactment of the Ho Chi Minh Trail. I have a massive attack planned for this very afternoon, unless I find something better to do. Temporarily the Russian Sage and Winter Creeper have been replanted in hopes of slowing Charlie down.
The shed tear down project is going slow. There are too many tough decisions to make as to what to throw out and what to make room for in the garage. An additional complication is that some of my best performing and loyalist plants are around it. I refuse to sacrifice them. A relocation program must be initiated first.
Work to be done. I gotta get to it.
Forget it the Cubs game just started, I just found something better to do, oh well!

Blackout! This Week's Garden Report, Late Aug 2003

Due to labor strife a news blackout has been imposed on the garden.

Usurption and Team Dissent: This Week's Garden Report, Jul 2003

Well, the all-star break is over and there is much to be done in the
garden. The weeds, once again led by Creeping Charlie, are infiltrating the lawn.
I'm going to the hardware store to find some agent orange to get rid of it for
good this time. Charlie don't surf and never will.
I'm having some major problems on the field this summer. I have mentioned a
lack of discipline out there and it seems to be getting worse. The Mums are
starting to bloom almost a month early and the Shasta Daisies are pissed. There
are some hard feelings about playing time. I don't blame them, this has always
been their time of the year and they don't need to be upstaged by a bunch of
Mums who can't wait their turn. I've threatened the Mums with the weedwacker
but they know it's all bluff. I'm in a quandary, how do you discipline a plant?
Major work is being done in the Rita Reserve (my neighbor's yard). New bushes are being
installed and the weeds from Wayne's world (back neighbor's yard) are being forced into retreat. I've done
some big time deforestation in Wayne's yard under the cover of daylight. I'm
slowly taking over the neighborhood.

Round 2 Picks: This Week's Garden Report, Houseplant Supplement: July 2003

I recently moved back from Singapore to Texas, and picked up some plants my mother was caring for in my absence. Well after a year long stint with their mean old foster mom, they are back with me. However, they are not so thrilled. Like any good mom, I stuffed them in the back of the car with the windows shut in the ridiculously hot Texas sun for four days with no sun. The have told me that what really upset them was that they could just see us enjoying our water and light, but they were condemned to what is essentially plant hell, the back seat of a packed Saturn. there have been more than a few requests that if there is to be a repeat performance, I should buy an SUV with lots of space for them- makes more CO2 for their outside-dwelling family. In fact, that should be the car makers big campaign. Having a Canyonero or whatever is good for the environment, cause it puts more CO2 into the air for the plants to eat....
Anyway, they are settling into their new home with an understandable degree of hesitation. I think the big tall one may have ADD (doesn't everyone these days?). He keeps changing which way he is growing. Can't pay attention to any one light stream.
The little ones are stepping out, stretching their legs and seem more forgiving. Still giving me lip though.

The Consequences of Going AWOL: This Weeks Garden Report, Early July 2003

Before I embarked on my journey I left very clear instructions with my
little fuzzy friend Lightning how I wanted things to operate in my absence, but did he care?
Nobody listens, nobody cares!
I returned from my adventures in Texas to find the garden in turmoil.
Nothing had been watered, nothing had been weeded. The flowers are all blooming out
of turn. Yellow ones blooming right next to blue ones. Discipline has gone
right down the tubes. Lightning's excuse is that he was too busy keeping the
squirrels at bay to do even the lightest of weeding. He's always got a story!
Luckily, I have a few days off to catch up on things. The Lilies of all
varieties are in full bloom with the daylilies putting on the best show ever. All
the Clematis are in full bloom and a couple of 'em are a real spectacle. The
impatients are finally recovering from the hail storm and are lookin' good.
The new second shift, Night Litchness, seem to have run it's course and has
been signed up for next season. I'm going to start looking for other likely
candidates for the second shift.
Well, I gotta go and mow the lawn. I wanted to get up real early so I could
wake up the neighbors with my lawn mower, but I got up to late.

Suspicions Mounting: This Week's Garden Report, Houseplant Supplement: May 2003

Well, I returned home to find a full fledged lack of morale here
in the house. Last week one of the twin tropical bushes I had had
decided to commit a very noble Japanese-style suicide by
impaling itself through the middle (or so it appeared) and simply
slouching over. Plant Hari-kiri. Who knew?

Its brother in arms has take this as a sign he should rise to
prominence, but, much like Icarus, in his desire to grow
closer to the sun he has gone too high, and is now quickly outgrowing
his pot and turning brown. The favorite plant, the one that looks like
a Chinese impressionist painting, appears bitter at my many recent
absences, and appears to be despondent at its anticipated move to 'the
apartment of the guy downstairs who smells funny but helped my owner
move me upstairs in exchange for a promise I would go to him when she
left' I've been trying to keep it a secret, but I think it heard me on
the phone to the movers.

The one star of the house is my little Filipino table plant,
given to me by the maid when my other one died (right around the time
she took over the plant-care duties, calling me inept and better
suited to writing than nurturing- bodes well for kids later in life,
eh?). It knows it will go back to her care when I am gone, and it
actually seems excited at the prospect.

Labor Strife: This Week's Garden Report, Early Aug 2003

Nothing but problems in the garden this week. The weeds have made gains
everywhere and there appears to be no stopping them. The mums are not going to
wait their turn and are blooming now, almost a month ahead of schedule. Because
of the mums blooming early the Daisies are pitching a fit and not blooming at
all, they are about a week late now and don't look like they'll be producing
much action any time soon. The second shift, Evening Litchness, is refusing to
work nights and have taken to blooming during the days. Pretty damn cocky for a
walk on! The Mexican border (neighbor's yard) is in jeopardy with the death of another
forsythia. That's 5 this year, I smell a conspiracy. The last of the re-enforcements have been
brought up from the Rita reserve (other neighbor's yard). I hope its in time.
Luckily the Clematis are all having a banner season. Also the Coneflowers
have just started to bloom this is their rookie year and I am very impressed
with what I see so far.
That's about it from the garden for this week. Monday I'll start contract
talks with some of the disgruntled players and see if I can get things
straightened out.

Miracles and Dissapointmets- This Week's Garden Report: May 2003

The season seems to be flying by. Several players have come and gone
already. The snow crocuses did very well and were mowed over three weeks ago as
a reward for their efforts. The Jonquils and daffodils had a short and sad
season. Whether they are given another chance next year is still being
debated. I'm going to be scouring garage sales this weekend to look for a
golf club. Tulip golf season is about to open. It looks like it will be as
much fun as apple baseball (used to have a crab apple tree back there). Grape Hyacinths are just about played out, they
put on a pretty good show this year. If they continue to spread at the rate
they have been they will soon become a major early spring player out there.
There have been some true miracles out there the last few days. Six of the
seven Tallhedge Buckthorn that I had given up for dead are suddenly sprouting
leaves all over the place. Very strange, they are starting a good three to
four weeks after their compatriots right next to them. The River Birch
recruited late last fall has pulled a Lazerus act and popped back from the
dead. One of the two Japanese ferns has shown up, the other one is still AWOL
The Christmas fern has been found, not quite as green as you would think an
evergreen fern would be, but it appears to be recovering. Amongst all the
good news though the bald Cypress remains bald.
Coming soon will be the Peonies, and the Asian Lilies. The Iris hordes are
showing their colors and advancing across the field. Hostas are coming up
everywhere, the daring raids I pulled on my sister's and mother-in-law's
gardens last year have really paid off. This year very possibly will be the
year of the Hosta. My ferns are doing well, they are growing totally out of
control and expanding into my neighbors yards. The tide has turned in the
garden wars. My plants are finally getting the upper hand and killing off the
neighbors junk! As always the Bleeding Heart is in full Hemorrhage.
On the front lawn front the war against creeping Charlie is all but over. It
has taken years and has gotten ugly at times but Charlie is on the run and
has nowhere to hide. That with all the rain has made me look like a
semi-competent suburbanite. Charlie gone, Dandelions eradicated, life is good!

Working the City Coffers- This Week's Garden Report: Late Apr 2003

The garden is going full blast now. Things are sprouting up everywhere. All
the Clematis survived and are climbing away. The Iris horde is lining up row
upon row and will be on the march shortly. The new Day Lily planter does seem
to keep Lightning, my dog, out, but he is doing his usual thorough job of trampling
the Day Lilies along the back fence.
Lightning has had a sleep over buddy this week, we're watching a neighbor's dog,
the miserable little fuzzball, whilst they are vacationing. The two of them
are having a blast out there. Lightning is teaching him the finer points of
flower trampling. He seems to a quick study, Apparently he is destined to
specialize in Tulips.
The city came by and planted a new Green Ash tree out front that we
requested last fall. Not bad it's about a $200 tree and we didn't have to pay
anything. Today however, in the Tribune they had a full page article about the latest invader from Asia, The Emerald Ash Borer Beetle. Just in the nick of
time. Lightning says he could pick 'em off if he had a BB gun, but I think
he's still got Squirrel on his mind.