Harbingers of Genocide: This week's Garden Report, July 4th 2010

This weeks fight match up was totally unexpected. The daisies and some type of Sedum I acquired somewhere have been living side by side since the garden reorganization last spring. Apparently the unidentified Sedum was just waiting for its chance. After the daises exhausted themselves on a fabulous blooming season and Hammerdogs constant snacking on them (he says they taste like toads, I’ll take his word for it), the unidentified Sedum smelled weakness and went on the attack. It’s been quite a brawl out there all week. The unidentified Sedum quickly gained the upper hand but my Daises are starting to show their stuff. Never bet against the Daisies!

Hammerdog's bragging about his prowess at hunting toads has got him in trouble. This week all the toads disappeared just as suddenly as they appeared. I suspect the mosquitoes carried them off. The squirrels, however are accusing Hammerdog of genocide. I think the squirrels are just using the situation as an excuse to get Hammerdog to back off chasing them. He is starting to get real close to catching them. Today whilst I was mowing the lawn I saw him sneak up on one. The squirrel didn’t see him coming till the last second and it was out in the open. It was quite a chase. I now know why they have that big bushy tail. It’s a pretty good adaptation. Hammerdog was within inches of catching this fuzzy tailed rat when the squirrel sticks its tail up in the air to get Hammerdog's attention, then flips its tail to the left while it breaks to the right, like a basketball player throwing a head fake. Hammerdog broke left and almost fell on his face while the squirrel got away. He missed him by a whisker. Then the little vermin just sits on the fence, just out of range and chattered at the dog. Hammerdog was going nuts. He just needs a little patience; it’s just a matter of time before he figures out how to catch them. It will save me the cost of a BB gun.

The dogs have been claiming they’ve seen some Chipmunks out there for a couple of weeks now. I’m beginning to think though that they are just trying to trick me into setting the live trap so I might catch a squirrel instead and save them the trouble. Stelladog always has been pretty lazy and now I think that Hammerdog is getting a little too comfortable around here too. He has been getting a little thick around the middle as of late. He really likes the AC. The squirrels are now beginning to refer to him as the big round hound. He doesn’t like it!

Lilly-fest is going strong as I write. It appears the Ditch lillies and Asiatic lillies collaborated this year to bloom at the same time. Usually the ditch lillies start after the Asiatic lillies finish their show, well into July. I like this new arrangement much better. It might leave a slight gap in the blooming schedule, but I think it is worth it.

Actually, I think all the plants are in cahoots this year, scheduling their blooming times. All the Hostas are showing off, almost a month early, but I think that’s just them bragging about beating up on Charlie. The Bee balm and Rose Mallow are in their full glory almost a month early. Almost everything is blooming at least 2 weeks earlier than normal. At first I thought it was because of all the rain and a hotter than normal spring, but now I’m suspecting there might be a conspiracy afoot. It is awful hard to stay pissed though when you look at the results. Next year however I will write out a blooming schedule first thing in spring and I’m going to enforce it! With my lawnmower!

I have some new heroes out in the garden this year. The Sparrows. They have for years been enjoying the free housing I have provided. The dogs have always provided security for them. The houses 3 each on 3 poles, 10 feet up attached to the fence in the middle of the yard. The squirrels don’t like being out in the open out there with Hammerdog and Stelladog on our side of the fence and Lucydog on the other side. Plus, from the air you have the Hawks checking out the situation, making the squirrels very nervous. These are probably some of the safest Sparrows around. It is a hoot to watch them. Sparrows are not monogamous! They are always raiding each other’s nest. They are making it with their neighbors partner as often as possible. Fighting, stealing food and nesting material, dog fur being a favorite. Ya gotta love ‘em. There is one male I saw today, he landed on the top house, serviced that female, jumped down and did the next and the next, then hopped over to the next pole and started all over. All within about 3 minutes! What a man!

The birdhouses are starting to fall apart though. They are starting to resemble a trailer park on a stick. I’m torn about what to do about it. I could easily replace them but the birds seem more active and happy the more their habitats deteriorate. I’m an avian slumlord.



Coming up in next weeks Garden Report:



Tickseed / Creeping Sedum match up; everything it was expected to be and more!



Mutant Kudzu/Clematis joins the Daisy / Unidentified sedum fray.



The delivery of Battlestar Galactica turns out to be an insidious blow to garden maintenance. Entire system nears collapse!

Garden Fight Club: This Week's Garden Report, June 2010

Hammerdog found out why that tree in the back of my yard is called a Hawthorn not just a Haw. He found a branch that got knocked down and figured he was going to have himself a nice little chew. I have never heard a dog let out a scream like he let loose! He even sent Stelladog off running and cowering. All the squirrels had a good laugh. I think they might have planted that branch just to be mean. I’m buying a BB gun.

I’ve started doing some midnight mining in Wayne’s yard. I’ve needed lotsa good topsoil for the improvements I’ve been making. Luckily, I can just dig it up from my neighbors yard. He’s got some good black dirt back there. All I got to do is throw the weeds back over the holes when I’m done and you can’t tell. Some of the holes are getting pretty deep. I think I might be able to start trapping some of those Jr. High kids that cut across our yards.

Daisy season is just about finished. What a show they put on this year! They are definitely leading in the Most Valuable Plant competition at this point. Plus Hammerdog has taken a liking to the Daisy flowers. He eats them like potato chips.

The Astilbes have made a remarkable comeback. They are in full bloom right now. Astilbes are cool if you look at them from the top. Ours are right below the porch so when you look down at them they look like little starbursts or what fireworks must look like from an airplane. I was happy with their comeback because it was my error that caused them so much grief. As coach of this garden team I’ve got to be more aware of which players are compatible. Tickseed and Astible should not be in the same lineup! When I tore the shed down I had a whole bunch of Tickseed I had to do something with. Well I figured it would fill in nicely around the bottoms of the Astible. What a mistake! I never knew Tickseed was such a vicious plant or that the Astilbes were so defenseless. As soon as planted the Tickseed went on the attack. They instantly wrapped around the Astilbe and started to choke ‘em. I intervened just in the nick of time. I put the Tickseed in with the Creeping Sedum. They don’t get along either but it’s a fairer fight. Creeping Sedum don’t take no shit from nobody.

There is an upside to the whole affair though. I ‘m going to look into filming plant fights. There must be some way of filming it then speeding it up. Plants are pretty mean to each other at times. The only thing holding me back is figuring out a way to get some suckers to place bets on the fights. There are so many cable channels now there must be one that would be willing to broadcast it. There has to be a demand for plant fights now that dog fighting and cock fighting are illegal just about everywhere.

I caught a bunch of Hostas hiding out behind the Forsythia bushes. I’m pretty sure they were trying to make their way to Canada. Their progress was slow but they were on their way no doubt! I took the lawn mower to ‘em. An example had to be made.

The borders of the garden are slowly coming under control. The southern frontier is in total lock down. The hostas I deployed seem to have complete control of the situation. Last month I got some weed and feed and accidentally sprayed about a10-15 ft. no weed zone into my northern neighbors yard. Looks pretty good. Waynes yard is slowly coming under control with a healthy application of Roundup and my midnight mining operation over there. I just might turn my mining operation into a moat. That could solve a couple of problems.

All my border security schemes are beginning to show results. My yard is remarkably weed free for this late into the season. The only hole in my defenses is Bill & Harriets yard. It is loaded with Creeping Charlie. Anything I do in my yard is futile until I can stop the infiltration of Charlie from their yard, I thought the old farts woulda dropped dead by now, but they keep hanging on and they keep a pretty close eye on me, for some reason they don’t seem to trust me. I have not had an opportunity to do any guerilla gardening over there. I can now begin understand how Nixon and Westmoreland musta felt like during the Vietnam War when they had to fight the war in South Vietnam and watch the bad guys just scamper over the Cambodian, Laotian and North Vietnamese border every time we got close to whippin’ ‘em. At least they had B-52’s. I wish I had a couple of B-52’s to play with. There’s a buncha problems I could solve, or vaporize with a couple a B-52’s.



Coming up in next weeks Garden Report:



Hammerdog accused of genocide.

Hawks gone missing, chipmunk sightings reported.

Lilly fest begins.

Crocus Explosion: This Week's Garden Report- Mar 2010

The glaciers have finally receded and about 20 metric tons of dog shit has been removed. It’s time to start the spring campaign.

The spring started with a pleasant surprise when the Snow Crocus rose up in an overwhelming hoard and occupied the front lawn for about two weeks. I had given up on the Crocus a couple of years ago. Last year I even started using weed & feed on the front lawn again, figuring the Crocus idea was a bust. I think I must have just pissed the little devils off!

With any good news comes some bad. The gutters, on the north side of the house, were clogged with leaves. I cannot tolerate that! I do not want to be dragging out the extension ladder every time some stupid tree can’t refrain from littering. Sentence has been passed and the execution will be scheduled as soon as all appeals are heard and ignored. Texas style justice!

Getting a jump on the season I have transplanted the two white pines I had growing on the fence between the Mexican border and us. I planted them there two or three years ago just to see how fast they grow. They have passed the test and are now on the side of the house and I hope they will grow into a nice screen between us and or northern neighbors. I’m tired of lookin’ at ‘em.

The annual campaign against creeping Charlie has started. Just today I went chemical on ‘em. This year I’ve developed my own brew. I hope the early start has Charlie on the run before it has a chance to get a foothold. Charlie must die!!

The squirrels have built a nest in the Hawthorn tree in the middle of the back yard. These squirrels are either very stupid or they have no respect for our dogs. I know if Lightning dog was still around, the fuzzy tailed rats would show a little more respect. I am afraid though that they are right in thinking that neither dog is clever enough to catch them.

This Week's Garden Report- February 2010

Well it’s groundhog day. This being a low budget operation, we don’t have a groundhog. We do however have a ceramic garden turtle that just melted out of a snow bank. All he saw though the melting snow was the devastation caused by a high yield nuclear dogshit bomb that was exploded over the winter. I might have to move.
There is still a foot of snow on the ground so it’s hard to get a reading on the condition of the garden. The fences that were put up to keep the dog out of the bushes proved ineffective. When the snow got 3 feet deep she just walked right over them, dug down to the dirt and started excavating the frozen ground. I don’t know why she is expending all this effort. I think she just wants to secure a ready supply of mud to track into the house as soon as the thaw comes.
Well I couldn’t think of much else to expound upon. This isn’t exactly the busy season in the garden. I went to bed last night figuring that some great thoughts might come to me in my sleep, no such luck. However it did snow about 3 more inches and that takes care of the dogshit problem for a while. Winter sucks, but if you think about it, winter is like Gods gift to procrastinators. You always have an excuse to put stuff off. Too much snow, to cold, too much dogshit. You can always find an excuse in winter.
I’m going back to bed to enjoy the season.

Miracle in the garden: This Week's Garden Report, Summer 2009

The Honey Locust tree that was cut down and ground out last fall has been sending up new shoots. I ran the lawn mower over ‘em as soon as I spotted ‘em. Within a week it grew back again! This time I went chemical on it. I figured good blast of Round-up ought to do the trick. I cut the tree down in the first place because there was an image of the Virgin Mary in the bark. I didn’t want anybody seeing it, as before you know I would have every religious crackpot in the state is trying to build a shrine out in the back yard. A Lazarus Locust!? Now the question is, do I ignore the obvious divine intervention and take the lawn mower to it again if it does grow back? Or let it grow? Maybe I should consult a priest. I wonder if they do garden consults?

The hammerdog experiment has only been partially successful. It would be a huge help if he lifted his leg to pee, but he just does a semi-squat . However he does prefer to go along the edge of the garden and straddle a bush or plant. The real benefit comes from Stelladog, being the manly dog that she is, feels it necessary to remark her territory everywhere Hammerdog pees, so she pees right on top of it. So she is not making new brown spots out in the middle of the lawn. Experiment successful?

Most of the re-locations over the past month have been successful. The Russian Sage and Winter Creeper were roughed up pretty bad in their transplant, but now seem to be recovering nicely. The infiltration of Charlie from the south has come to a complete stop. A couple more Hostas were rounded up and pressed into service along the southern frontier. I need only about 5 more yards of Hostas to close the remaining gaps. The dig-n-dash at the bank parking lot has bee ruled out. If I ever make a run at a bank, it ain’t going to be for flowers.

The shed relocation project has begun. The Bleeding Heart was transplanted along the western border next to its offspring. What a plant that has been! It has cuttings planted in over 4 states, in just about every neighbors yard and God knows where else. The way that thing takes to splitting and transplanting is amazing. I should have sent some of the shoots off to China, introduce some invasive species as payback for the Ashborer Beetle, and Asian Longhorn Beetle. That’ll learn ‘em!

The fern migration to Wayne’s world began years ago, most of the early migrants got the choice spots. Unfortunately, like a bunch of autoworkers at a GM plant, some of those ferns refused to see the inevitable. A forced migration is now underway. About 40 ferns were dug up and put in temporary storage in Wayne World. That guy now has probably the best fern garden in town and doesn’t even know it.

Lots of excitement in the garden in anticipation of this weekends annual Pansy Pride Parade. Big crowds are expected. Most of the other plants are putting on their finest. You should see the Clematis. What a display they’re puttin’ on. Speaking off Clematis, the mutant Kudzu/clematis had to be physically restrained this week. It was becoming a serious hazard to the Azalea and was starting to climb the birdbath. I found a bunch of feathers back there and I’m getting suspicious. Either that plant has gone carnivore or the neighbor’s cat got lucky. I think the cat is too stupid and fat, so I’m getting kinda worried. I spent a whole hour tying the damn plant to it’s trellis and I think it’s slipping loose again as I write! I better go check while there’s still daylight, I won’t be able to sleep otherwise.

Old Friends Abusing Good Graces: This Week's Garden Report, Mid-June 2009

The Sedum Society meeting scheduled for this week has been canceled! No reason need be given!

The Arborvitae felt the wrath of the lawnmower today. Actually, they didn’t feel anything because they were already dead. The whole bunch of the filthy cowards apparently committed mass suicide. They were on the north side of the house away from the rest of the garden, even still, they had a way sweeter deal than the rest of the garden. They got plant-feeding spikes and had their own irrigation set up. Winter was too tough on them or some such tripe. Waa, Waa!!! Plants were a lot tougher when I was a kid. While I was walking thru 3 feet of snow in 100 degree heat to school, up hill, both ways, the plants back at home would be growing all by themselves. No codling needed. They didn’t need any stinking plant food. They would have spit in your eye if you so much as tried to put some mulch around ‘em. Those were the day when men were men and plants were plants and proud of it! It was satisfying to me to feel their ungrateful little stalks being ground into sawdust.

There has been a new source of strife in the garden this spring. The mutant Clematis refuses to climb it’s trellis and is draping itself all over the Azalea. This presents a big problem for all the plants involved in the shed removal project. The mutant Clematis has a special place in my heart, one of the first installations of mine almost 20 years ago. It has proved to be one of the toughest plants out there. I’ve always suspected it being half Kudzu. The Azalea, also a long time winner in the garden, is relatively defenseless from such an assault. I suspect the plants have been talking amongst themselves and are jockeying for the best positions when the relocations start. It will take some genuine diplomacy to sort this problem out.

Hammerdog has been brought in in an attempt to teach Stella to lift her leg when she pees. It’s worth a try.

Meditations on Trampling: This Week's Garden Report, Early June 2009

Significant progress has been achieved this week in the garden. Exiling the Gang of Four Burning Bushes was a stroke of genius, the treacherous bastards had more Creeping Charlie hiding out under them than I could have possibly imagined. A deal was struck with the new neighbors; they could have the bushes as long as they do not plant them close enough to each other that they could start a new conspiracy. Sod has been installed in that newly pacified corner of the yard. Hostas have been recruited to keep an eye on things along the fence. Peace reigns.

The Hostas repositioned along the southern frontier have taken to the task like a bunch of fat, drunken, middle age, Minutemen sitting along the Mexican border in lawn chairs. They seem to actually enjoy their new station in life. Their effectiveness is not yet up to their full potential yet because there are still gaps in the line. A recruiting campaign is in the works and walk-ons are welcome. Also my bank has the right kind of Hostas planted around their parking lot, a midnight dig-n-dash is being considered.

The Daylilies were trampled but not mowed to the ground. Lightnin never did learn how to work the lawnmower, he could never figure out how to hold down the dead man’s switch while he pulled the starter cord, so I’m not sure mowing them down after trampling is really what he would have wanted. I got to thinking about Lightning’s problem with daylilies. We never discussed why he took such joy in trampling them all the time. It’s funny how you can be so close to someone for so many years and never really know what’s going on in his head. We would sit around and talk for hours and never really say anything, down, sit, stay, speak, kill. The daylilies do make a neat crunchy-squishy feeling as you trample them. It might have just felt cool under his feet. Within a week the daylilies are coming back stronger than before. Maybe he knew some secret to growing daylilies that I didn’t. It's like those olive growers in Spain that go out and beat their olive trees with chains. It actually improves their growth.

A new bright spot in the future, Bill and Harriet are now to old and feeble to maintain their yard so they hired some landscapers to do it. The first thing they did was to douse it with weed and feed. That should slow down the infiltration of Charlie from that direction.

Next week the cowardly Arborvitae will be dealt with.

Resurrection! This Week's Garden Report, May 2009

Years ago, when I was living abroad, my dad sent me a weekly garden report detailing events back home in Chicago, to help me stay connected. They were hilarious. At my prompting, he has restarted this tradition, and I will be publishing them here. Look for archived posts soon!

This Weeks Garden Report.

The garden has been in a terrible state of neglect for well over a year now. I have always suspected that the garden was incapable of self-governance and I have been proven correct. The various factions are fighting amongst themselves while the weeds are multiplying from within and infiltrating from the perimeters. The situation demands a strong leader. Because of the chaos out there I have decided to once again come to the rescue. Memorial Day weekend will see the change of a lot of policies out there.
First off, in memory of the passing of my little fuzzy friend, Lightning, all Day Lilies will be trampled and mowed to the ground. He had a special love of trampling Day Lilies and I feel he would wholeheartedly approve of this action.
The lawn is in a terrible state, although a big part of the problem is a female dog. Male dogs at least have the manners to go pee in a corner, they don't feel the need to pee in the middle of the lawn and create dead spots. I know she does this on purpose, just to piss me off! Another problem with the lawn has been the execution of the Honey-locust tree. It left a huge scar on the lawn and the chips from the stump grinding seem to be everywhere. This action was taken because that overgrown primadonna could not take instruction and grow right. The uncooperative attitude of that stupid tree was endangering the house. I had a long talk with it but it still refused to cooperate, so now it is part of someone’s firewood pile. Harsh, maybe but an example had to be set! All that aside, a reseeding program has been initiated. With the help of some timely rain, obscene and probably illegal, amounts of chemicals, recovery is expected.
As always, Creeping Charlie is a problem. Charlie seems to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Although it has been eliminated from the lawn for the most part, it still creeps in from the perimeter. In an effort to control this problem, several radical measures are being taken. First, all Hostas are being shifted to the southern frontier. They will be planted along the fence line. This should help control that border once the present infiltration of Charlie is dealt with. It will also cut down on the amount of weedwacking, a huge side benefit since I’m too cheap to replace my broken weedwacker. Also along this border the Burning Bushes have been caught hiding the creeping Charlie, in retaliation the Burning Bushes will be sent into exile to the yard next door. They brought in on themselves!
On the northern frontier the two scraggly Pines are to be transplanted to the side of the house. Looking thru my neighbors windows no longer holds any fascination for me so I’m blotti’n ‘em out. On hold for now, but a possibility before the end of the year, is the elimination of the Forsythia bushes. No fault of their own, but the dog has taken a likin’ to digging under them. She gets all muddy, tracks it inside and somehow it is my fault. It’s a shame, they have been troopers since planted almost 20 years ago, but some sacrifices must be made.
Along the western frontier, good progress has been made in the civilizing of Wayne’s world (yard). My guerrilla gardening efforts are paying off. Ferns have replaced most of the weeds from his edge. That campaign should be over by the end of this growing season. The other edge of the western border is totally out of control. Charlie is doing a re-enactment of the Ho Chi Minh Trail. I have a massive attack planned for this very afternoon, unless I find something better to do. Temporarily the Russian Sage and Winter Creeper have been replanted in hopes of slowing Charlie down.
The shed tear down project is going slow. There are too many tough decisions to make as to what to throw out and what to make room for in the garage. An additional complication is that some of my best performing and loyalist plants are around it. I refuse to sacrifice them. A relocation program must be initiated first.
Work to be done. I gotta get to it.
Forget it the Cubs game just started, I just found something better to do, oh well!

Happy Birthday Hammer- Doggie Birthday Cake

I thought my awkward days of trying to fit into the cool crowd were long gone, relegated to past Junior High dances and makeout parties I would rather forget. I mean, I think I am a pretty interesting person, not awful to look at, with decent taste and a successful job, right? Then why, when I take my beloved mutt to the unofficial dog park just a few blocks away, am I suddenly made to feel like I just turned up in un-ironic flannel and leg warmers to fashion week?

Why? Well, its simple. These are dog people. I thought I was a dog person. I like dogs better than cats, I enjoy a good game of frisbee as much as the next girl. But I was wholly unprepared for the social scene that is the urban dog park. Last week when I was there, someone took pity on me sitting in the corner all designer-poop-bag free and came over to talk. Relieved that someone was willing to chat with me, even though my modest pooch didn't support the upper-east-side crest of a fancy doggie day care, I asked her the requisite dog-related questions: Which one is yours? How old is he? etc. In response, she whipped out a framed photograph that she kept in her purse of her dog's wedding. Yea, read that sentence again. Its as ridiculous as it sounds.

Now, I like to think I have played the cocktail circuit enough for work to be able to think quick on my feet no matter where the conversational tsunami may take me, but none of my rigorous self-taught etiquette prepared me for what the follow up to "oh, here are mira's wedding photographs. We had such a lovely ceremony" might be, when 'Mira' is a 75lb Chesapeake. Ummm...congrats? Where did they honeymoon? Are they registered?

Wow.

I love my dog, don't get me wrong. He's about the best dog in the world. But he does not need clothing, psychotherapy sessions, daily grooming for self-esteem, reasoned discourse about desired behavior beyond "No! and Good dog!", or a pretty little doggie bride.

So no, I am not one of those 'dog people'. All of this is a admittedly defensive preface for the real meat of this post which is how to make a doogie birthday cake. Which is exactly the sort of thing 'dog people' would do. I will just keep telling myself that I did it ironically, and hopefully be able to believe it :-)

Hammer Dog turned 5 last Fri, on May Day. The East is Red and so is my dog. The weather has been beautiful, just cool enough to sit outside comfortably at night with a sweater. Perfect al-fresco dining. I needed an excuse for a dinner party. I figure a little appreciation of the best dog ever, who, for 5 years, has left my shoes happily unchewed, was in order.

I made a leg of lamb, rubbed with honey, cinnamon, cardamom, salt and pepper. It was delicious, and Hammer Dog loves lamb bone above all other treats. Except the laser pointer light. He would forgo food, water, and attention for that little red dot.

But the crowning achievement of this party was the doggie cake. I had never done this before, and wanted to make something that actually looked like cake. I couldn't believe this worked. It smells like death itself, and definitely should cool outside, but there is nothing a dog loves more than something smelling somewhere between dirty diapers and rotting rat carcass. Gross, but true.

Anyway, here is the recipe:

Ingredients:
4 cups dry Dog Food
1 cup flour
1/2 cup cornmeal
1 Tsp baking soda
1/2 cup olive oil
2 eggs
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup oyster sauce (optional, really any savory good that your dog likes will work here)
Salt & Pepper
3/4 Can of Beef Broth

Frosting

4 large potatoes
1/4 can Beef Broth
Food coloring

Directions:
Put the dog food in a food processor and process until almost the consistency of flour. Mix with other dry ingredients Add oil, eggs, sauces and spices and mix. Mixture will be very thick. Add beef broth until mixture has the consistency of lumpy cake batter, about 3/4 cup.

Pour batter into a greased springform pan. Bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean. Remove and cool before frosting, preferable outside as this will stink something awful at this point.

Frosting: Peel and boil potatoes until soft in salted water. Remove, strain, and cool. Using the back of a spoon or your hands, push potatoes through a colander so that you have a pie of small tubular mashed potatoes (this keeps them from being lumpy for people to eat if you are also serving them at dinner, and more easily spreadable for frosting. add food coloring to make them a vibrant color (it really looks better if silly), and add about 1/4 cup beef broth to thin and for taste.

When the cake is cool, grease a frosting knife and spread the potatoes on the cake as you would normal frosting. I also wrote a birthday message on the cake in mustard.






For bonus fun, leave the cake accessible to annoying people- it looks so real, and delicious, that they will inevitably be compelled to try. Enjoy the gagging.

Seriously though, Hammer LOVED THIS. He stared at the oven the whole time it was cooking! He was terrified though of the candles!




Yea, I'm a dork.

The Consequences of Going AWOL: This Weeks Garden Report, Early July 2003

Before I embarked on my journey I left very clear instructions with my
little fuzzy friend Lightning how I wanted things to operate in my absence, but did he care?
Nobody listens, nobody cares!
I returned from my adventures in Texas to find the garden in turmoil.
Nothing had been watered, nothing had been weeded. The flowers are all blooming out
of turn. Yellow ones blooming right next to blue ones. Discipline has gone
right down the tubes. Lightning's excuse is that he was too busy keeping the
squirrels at bay to do even the lightest of weeding. He's always got a story!
Luckily, I have a few days off to catch up on things. The Lilies of all
varieties are in full bloom with the daylilies putting on the best show ever. All
the Clematis are in full bloom and a couple of 'em are a real spectacle. The
impatients are finally recovering from the hail storm and are lookin' good.
The new second shift, Night Litchness, seem to have run it's course and has
been signed up for next season. I'm going to start looking for other likely
candidates for the second shift.
Well, I gotta go and mow the lawn. I wanted to get up real early so I could
wake up the neighbors with my lawn mower, but I got up to late.

Working the City Coffers- This Week's Garden Report: Late Apr 2003

The garden is going full blast now. Things are sprouting up everywhere. All
the Clematis survived and are climbing away. The Iris horde is lining up row
upon row and will be on the march shortly. The new Day Lily planter does seem
to keep Lightning, my dog, out, but he is doing his usual thorough job of trampling
the Day Lilies along the back fence.
Lightning has had a sleep over buddy this week, we're watching a neighbor's dog,
the miserable little fuzzball, whilst they are vacationing. The two of them
are having a blast out there. Lightning is teaching him the finer points of
flower trampling. He seems to a quick study, Apparently he is destined to
specialize in Tulips.
The city came by and planted a new Green Ash tree out front that we
requested last fall. Not bad it's about a $200 tree and we didn't have to pay
anything. Today however, in the Tribune they had a full page article about the latest invader from Asia, The Emerald Ash Borer Beetle. Just in the nick of
time. Lightning says he could pick 'em off if he had a BB gun, but I think
he's still got Squirrel on his mind.

Body Count Rising- This Week's Garden Report: Mid Apr 2003

The devastation caused by winter this year is becoming more and more
apparent. The body count is going up daily. Seven out of the twelve tall hedge
Buckthorn are out of action, the whole border with the Mexicans next door is
now wide open. Three more Forsythias woke up dead this spring, luckily the
Rita reserve (my neighbor's yard) is fully stocked with replacements. Two of the Holly bushes are
terribly wounded and not expected to pull thru.
The new River Birch and Bald Cypress picked up late last season look like
they will not be joining the team this spring after all. Even last seasons
rookie of the year, the Japanese Ferns are MIA. Oh! The humanity!!
Lightning, my dog, is in a total rage about the whole situation. Of course he blames
the squirrels. He claims they are now using weapons of mass destruction and
must be stopped at all costs. He wants to make preemptive strikes into
neighboring yards where the squirrels have their base camps. He wants to
start out by burning Rita's house to the ground because she is doing nothing
to stop the squirrels from using the power lines as a way to infiltrate into
our yard. He claims it's the only language the fuzzy tailed terrorists
understand. I think it's not only the squirrels though, I think he always has
had problems with Rita's little bitchy dog and wants to take care of two
nuisances at once. Even though I don't think he can or would act on this latest threat I am being cautious
about leaving matches laying around.
There is also good news in the garden. The Bleeding Heart appeared 3 days
ago and is already 12 inches tall, that plant is fantastic, once it gets
going you can almost watch it grow. It's liking one of those goofy nature
films they used to show you in grade school with the film sped up. The
tulips, Daffodil, Grape Hyacinth and Icicle Pansies are all doing well and
are on schedule. The Clematis' are all shooting up like there's no tomorrow
and I expect great thing from all of them this summer.
I took out the lawn mower and gave the lawn it's first cut of the year. I
love my new mower. I'm becoming a true suburbanite.

Casualty Report- This Weeks Garden Report: Early Apr 2003

The garden has reappeared as suddenly as it disappeared a couple of weeks
ago. Lightning, my dog, of course takes credit. He claims it was him cracking down on
the fury tailed terrorists that made them cough it up. I remain skeptical.
Nonetheless, the garden is back and the excitement is mounting. The snow
crocuses are putting in there best showing ever. They have spread to about
1/4 of the front lawn, they aren't thick yet but they're getting there. The
new Icicle Pansies recruited last fall are living up to their advertising.
The Tulips, Jonquils and Daffodils are sprouting and should be reporting in
any day now.
It's too early to assess the damage done over the winter. It looks pretty
grim. The heather doesn't appear to have made it and the Holly is showing
lots of damage but should survive. The Hardy Hibiscus apparently wasn't as
hardy as advertised. It looks like all the Mums are going to pull thru. The
new tree in front is budding in a big way and the new River Birch in back is
looking good. The new Bald Cypress remains bald and is causing me some worry,
I've never had one before so I don't know when it should be showing signs of
life. Luckily we had a good rain last night, a real gullywasher, just in time
to because the gully was really getting pretty dirty.
The birds are slowly filtering back to town. There were a few sparrows
checking out the bird houses but apparently the accommodations were not up to
their standards because the uppity little assholes just moved on. Some giant
crows stopped by for a while, these things were huge, like vultures, they
could have flown off with Lightning if they had a mind to.
I discovered a good way to clean up the Myrtle I use as ground cover, I
used a shop vac. Does a great job sucking out the old leaves and junk, It
doesn't break off many of the vines themselves and it kinda fluffs 'em up too.
Sad to say it's too cold to work outside this morning, we had some snow
last night, I guess all there is to do is take a nap.

Quick Put an APB out! This Week's Garden Report, Mar 2003

Things were starting to look up in the garden last week. True everything was
still dormant but the days were getting longer and warmer. The newspaper ads
inspired me to take my little fuzzy friend over to home depot look at bulbs
and tools and such. Lightning loves peeing all over the new lawn mowers. He
also wanted to look at new squirrel traps. He says he recently saw some
squirrels come out of hibernation and he thinks they're up to something big.
He is really paranoid about those damn squirrels.
Then disaster struck the garden. The garden is missing. It has been
totally disappeared. It's like god took a whiteout brush and wiped it off the
face of the earth.
I sent my best scout, Lightning, out to investigate. He returned worried
about what happened to his Frisbees. It's hard to get him to focus sometimes.
He insists the squirrels are behind it and the whole thing wouldn't have
happened if only I would have stopped being so cheap and bought him his
damned squirrel traps. He's always got an excuse! I think we're going to have
to get a new chief of security. He has slacked off before, but this takes the
cake!
I don't quite know what to do right now so I'll use my favorite strategy.
I'll sit down pop a few beers and give it some deep thought.

And so It Ends: This Week's Garden Report, Nov 2002

Things are starting to wind down in the garden. The Mums are putting on a
show that was hardly expected early in the season. The late spring freeze set
them way back at first but they really fought back with a vengeance.
The Iraqi squirrels seem to be in full retreat after their hideouts were cut
down. Lightning, my dog, takes credit but I think the squirrels knew we were on to
them and just moved their base of operations to Rita’s yard. We may have to
plan an invasion. Replacement trees have been installed to replace the recent
losses. Ma popped for a big Blaze Maple out front. I picked up a Bald Cypress
and a River Birch for out back.
The fall colors this year are spectacular. The burning bushes are just
blazing away. The red maple is ridiculously red. Even the Bald Cypress has
turned bright yellow. In fact trees throughout the neighborhood are doing it
right this year. Last year was a real bust; the trees just turned brown and
went dormant. Last fall was a bummer in a lot of ways.
The fall cleanup is going well, all the slacker annuals have been removed,
the whole bunch of ’em were a waste of money. The garden centers have been
scoured for deals and many new players have been recruited. Maybe next year I
won’t even need any annuals.
It’s gitten’ ta be time to pass out awards for this year. The comeback
player of the year has got to be the Purple Asters. I put them down into the
minors 2 years ago, last year I don’t even remember seeing them. They seem to
have been inspired by the Mums this year and are putting on quite a show out
there.
Most valuable Plant without a doubt is the Shasta daisy. It isn’t really
one daisy; there’s a couple hundred now, but they all came from one plant.
This plants ability to bloom just when you need flowers the most in mid to
late summer is a lifesaver. There are too many plants that bloom in spring or
fall but slack -off in the dog days of summer. When it’s hotter than hell
out, the mosquitoes are biting and everything else in the garden is wilting
and drying up, when you really need some eye candy, the Shasta come through
year after year. No maintenance, they just grow like weeds and bloom from
early August till late Sept. I have never paid this plant the respect it is
owed.
Rookie of the year goes to the Japanese ferns. Although the fern garden has
done well year in, year out there has not been much excitement in that corner
for awhile. The Japanese fern adds a little contrast and appears to be
getting along well with the other players
One last bit of good news is the birds are back. Things were looking real
good for the bird population in the garden at the start of the season. The
birdhouses were turning into bird factories. Some of them horny little devils
raised 2 or 3 families before the West Nile came around. By mid-July it was
like something out of a Rachael Carson book out there. The crows and jays
disappeared first, not long after all the sparrows, starlings, finches and
just about everything else were gone. I realize that they are just migrating
through now but maybe they will find the accommodations to their liking and
come back next spring.

Iraqi Squirrel Infiltration: This Week's Garden Report, Oct 2002

The garden was in turmoil all week after it was discovered that three
previously healthy forsythia bushes had suddenly died. Foul play is
suspected. Lightning, my dog, of course blames the squirrels. I suspect the Iraqis.
There is the possibility that we could both be right and we’re dealing with
Iraqi squirrels. Probably planted here by Saddam himself. My guess is at some
pre-set time they will chew through the electrical and phone lines running
through our back yard causing major problems in McHenry county's ability to
help your president if he should go to war with Iraq. They were probably
chewing through the forsythia just to keep their teeth in shape. I sent my
little fuzzy friend out to haul one in for questioning and he actually caught
one. Unfortunately he decided to rough up the suspect before bringing him in
and Velma (my aunt) hollered at him and he let the suspect go. I just now have started
wondering if maybe Velma might be in cahoots with the Iraqis? I’ll have
Lightning talk to her tomorrow.
Luckily, management was ready for just this sort of emergency. There were
three very good replacement forsythias, sitting in the Rita reserve (Rita is my neighbor), just
waiting for their chance to break into the lineup. They’ve been successfully
installed and next year no one will be able to see any difference. Saddam has
been foiled again.
In an attempt to deprive the Iraqi squirrels of cover, three major trees
have been cut down in the garden. The Rita Reserve, Wayne's (neighbor behind the house) World and Bill &
Harriet’s (neighbors two doors down) yard also had major de-forestation programs enacted. Now to get
around the little furry tailed terrorists have to expose themselves on the
ground. My little fuzzy security officer claims it’s only a matter of time
now before he has them all under control. I’ll believe it when I see it.