Happy Birthday Hammer- Doggie Birthday Cake

I thought my awkward days of trying to fit into the cool crowd were long gone, relegated to past Junior High dances and makeout parties I would rather forget. I mean, I think I am a pretty interesting person, not awful to look at, with decent taste and a successful job, right? Then why, when I take my beloved mutt to the unofficial dog park just a few blocks away, am I suddenly made to feel like I just turned up in un-ironic flannel and leg warmers to fashion week?

Why? Well, its simple. These are dog people. I thought I was a dog person. I like dogs better than cats, I enjoy a good game of frisbee as much as the next girl. But I was wholly unprepared for the social scene that is the urban dog park. Last week when I was there, someone took pity on me sitting in the corner all designer-poop-bag free and came over to talk. Relieved that someone was willing to chat with me, even though my modest pooch didn't support the upper-east-side crest of a fancy doggie day care, I asked her the requisite dog-related questions: Which one is yours? How old is he? etc. In response, she whipped out a framed photograph that she kept in her purse of her dog's wedding. Yea, read that sentence again. Its as ridiculous as it sounds.

Now, I like to think I have played the cocktail circuit enough for work to be able to think quick on my feet no matter where the conversational tsunami may take me, but none of my rigorous self-taught etiquette prepared me for what the follow up to "oh, here are mira's wedding photographs. We had such a lovely ceremony" might be, when 'Mira' is a 75lb Chesapeake. Ummm...congrats? Where did they honeymoon? Are they registered?

Wow.

I love my dog, don't get me wrong. He's about the best dog in the world. But he does not need clothing, psychotherapy sessions, daily grooming for self-esteem, reasoned discourse about desired behavior beyond "No! and Good dog!", or a pretty little doggie bride.

So no, I am not one of those 'dog people'. All of this is a admittedly defensive preface for the real meat of this post which is how to make a doogie birthday cake. Which is exactly the sort of thing 'dog people' would do. I will just keep telling myself that I did it ironically, and hopefully be able to believe it :-)

Hammer Dog turned 5 last Fri, on May Day. The East is Red and so is my dog. The weather has been beautiful, just cool enough to sit outside comfortably at night with a sweater. Perfect al-fresco dining. I needed an excuse for a dinner party. I figure a little appreciation of the best dog ever, who, for 5 years, has left my shoes happily unchewed, was in order.

I made a leg of lamb, rubbed with honey, cinnamon, cardamom, salt and pepper. It was delicious, and Hammer Dog loves lamb bone above all other treats. Except the laser pointer light. He would forgo food, water, and attention for that little red dot.

But the crowning achievement of this party was the doggie cake. I had never done this before, and wanted to make something that actually looked like cake. I couldn't believe this worked. It smells like death itself, and definitely should cool outside, but there is nothing a dog loves more than something smelling somewhere between dirty diapers and rotting rat carcass. Gross, but true.

Anyway, here is the recipe:

Ingredients:
4 cups dry Dog Food
1 cup flour
1/2 cup cornmeal
1 Tsp baking soda
1/2 cup olive oil
2 eggs
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup oyster sauce (optional, really any savory good that your dog likes will work here)
Salt & Pepper
3/4 Can of Beef Broth

Frosting

4 large potatoes
1/4 can Beef Broth
Food coloring

Directions:
Put the dog food in a food processor and process until almost the consistency of flour. Mix with other dry ingredients Add oil, eggs, sauces and spices and mix. Mixture will be very thick. Add beef broth until mixture has the consistency of lumpy cake batter, about 3/4 cup.

Pour batter into a greased springform pan. Bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean. Remove and cool before frosting, preferable outside as this will stink something awful at this point.

Frosting: Peel and boil potatoes until soft in salted water. Remove, strain, and cool. Using the back of a spoon or your hands, push potatoes through a colander so that you have a pie of small tubular mashed potatoes (this keeps them from being lumpy for people to eat if you are also serving them at dinner, and more easily spreadable for frosting. add food coloring to make them a vibrant color (it really looks better if silly), and add about 1/4 cup beef broth to thin and for taste.

When the cake is cool, grease a frosting knife and spread the potatoes on the cake as you would normal frosting. I also wrote a birthday message on the cake in mustard.






For bonus fun, leave the cake accessible to annoying people- it looks so real, and delicious, that they will inevitably be compelled to try. Enjoy the gagging.

Seriously though, Hammer LOVED THIS. He stared at the oven the whole time it was cooking! He was terrified though of the candles!




Yea, I'm a dork.

Nutmeg, I'm Fu@*ing Matt (car)Damon

Dear Nutmeg,

We had a great run. You taught me that peach pie could have some bite, you foiled the mice that would chew leaves in my garden, you even rubbed yourself on my turkey a few times (oh yea you did).

But someone new has come into my life, and I really need to give them a chance.

Yes, you know him, I believe he even works with you at Spicecabinet, INC. It doesn't matter what his name is.

Look, you know we haven't been getting along so well recently. Ever since the accident (and your unfortunate lid-cracking), you haven't been the same. You mess up the house, leak all over, and really, I think have been pretty bland and stale. A couple of times when you couldn't perform, I was forced to look elsewhere for love, and well, while cinnamon and anise were good flings, it was cardamon that made me see the light.

Shoot, well there, now you know his name. Its not his fault. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. I know I saw lemon zest looking at me a little too long last time I was around your place.

Cardamon just gets me. He's lemony without being sour, and is as comfortable in a sweet pie as he is in a spicy curry. He doesn't mind me spicing things up by bringing allspice, cinnamon, the cloves, or even thyme along with us when we get to it. You never wanted to share the spotlight.



Its not serious or anything- I hope that he also makes his way around my group of friends. He's so delicious, its a sin to keep him to myself. I hope they try him out.

I even heard that he has a black brother that is, well, even more talented. So maybe I might look him up.

Anyway, I digress.

I just need some space.

But, I will always think of you, and who knows, maybe someday, on a hot June afternoon, when the peaches are ripe, I might come calling back around your place.

In the meantime, lets just play our song one last time.

Love always,

Joyce

Cinnamon Rolls

I am an emotional eater. Not a my-boyfriend-frowned-at-me-eat-a-whole-pint-of-ben-and-jerry's eater mind you, but when I have had a tough day, when I feel the love for someone in my life, when I am celebrating, when I am mourning, I cook. My family doesn't hug and kiss, we feed. Food is affection to me, for better (my taste buds) or worse (my waistline).

Combine this with a rather strenuous need to have a system for everything and the result is a menu for every occasion, a specialty for every emotion.

Lately the occasion that has dominated my psyche has been travel, both mine and that of people I care about. And traveling brings with it certain opportunities that living downtown in a big city, eating out with fancy people often does not- namely, road food. Or airport food, as the case may be. And few things make me salivate and ignore the snugness of my pants more than the smell of Cinnabon across the airport after a long flight, usually from barbaric culture that does not know the joy of free refills, liberal use of deodorant, and gooey, sticky, teeth-crackingly sweet head sized cinnamon rolls.

I, however, will not be at an airport anytime soon, as most of my travel will be by car. Nevertheless, I woke up craving the taste. Helps that a certain man in my life shares my passion, and was coming over that evening for dinner. I've been slowly working my way through various breads, and thought that maybe the time had come to give cinnamon rolls another shot, after an epic failure a few years ago that resulted in a 4pm Sat binge trip to Cinnabon in the South Bend mall and some pretty hateful self commentary after finishing off a pack of 6.

If you want them for breakfast, make them the day before, refrigerate, and reheat in the oven the next morning. These are actually even better reheated, something about being in the fridge makes the goo even yummier! I accidentally cut mine too thin (3/4 inch thick, before rising), I recommend about 2 inches.



The rolls are easy:
Ingredients:
-Bread-
2 packs of yeast
1 cup milk or water
4 cups of flour
1 cup Brown sugar
1/2 cup butter
1 tsp nutmeg or cardamon
1 tsp salt

-Filling-
1 cup of brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup butter

-Frosting-
equal parts cream cheese and butter
two parts powdered sugar to cream cheese and butter
lemon and vanilla extract to taste

Scald the milk, let cool to about 105 degrees, and then add the yeast and brown sugar and one cup flour. Fold together. Let the yeast sponge grow for 30 min or so in a warm place.

Once the yeast mix is a bit foamy, add the the butter (softened) and fold in the flour a little at a time. Use only enough to get the dough firm and just past sticky. Too much will dry it out. Fold in the salt and spices last. Kneed the heck out of it, 10 min in a mixer with a dough hook, 20 min by hand (if you are good at it, more if you are new to this). Form into a ball, and put into a greased bowl (roll it around a bit to coat the outside of the dough- this prevents a crust from forming). Cover with a loose towel. Let rise about 40 min in a warm place

Once dough has doubled in size, punch down and let rise an additional 30 min.

Once dough has again doubled in size, roll it out into a large rectangle. Cream together the filling ingredients and spread over the dough. The butter should be very soft, and using your hands works best.

Then roll the dough from the bottom long edge to the top. Once the dough is rolled, slice into 2in slices and place on a pan with plenty of room to rise and spread out. Put in a warm place and let rise for an hour.

I like to use an egg wash on the rolls, but this isn't strictly necessary.

Bake for about 1 hr, or until golden. I like to make additional filling on the stove by mixing another set of filling ingredients in a pan, adding just enough water to make things dissolve, and then poring it on top of the just-out-of-the-oven rolls.

To make the frosting, whip together frosting ingredients until fluffy, about 8-9 min in an electric mixer. I really like to add the lemon/vanilla extracts at this point (using lemon juice vice extract will negatively affect the texture of the frosting for this recipe by preventing it from getting a little bit of a butter-cream like shell on the outside). I put a LOT of this on the warm rolls, and viola, deliciousness!!

If you are refrigerating the rolls, you can make a simple glaze from powdered sugar and milk and poor it over the rolls (prevents them from drying out). Make the frosting and set aside. Once you are ready to reheat, add the frosting on top, pop them in the oven on low, and yum!